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100 Liam Gallagher quotes that prove he's a comic genius

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With all those damn evil journalists twisting the words of poor, defenceless celebrities, stars are often reticent to speak their mind and offload any potentially controversial opinions. Sticking to safe, bland optimism, interviews can sound horribly repetitive.

Well, not with Liam Gallagher they don't. Never afraid to say what he wants, no matter who he offends, the Oasis turned Beady Eye turned solo frontman delivers interview gold whenever he opens his mouth.

Here are his 100 best one-liners: enjoy.

liam

"I suppose I do get sad, but not for too long. I just look in the mirror and go, `What a f***ing good-looking f*** you are.` And then I brighten up."

"I don`t hate Chris Martin. I don`t know him, know what I mean? I just thinks he`s a bit giddy. He ought to calm down, he isn`t gonna save the world."

"You never see me down film premieres even though I get invited to about a hundred a week."

"Name one rock star in Britain apart from a member of Oasis. Name one!"

"I dig it. I’m into the idea that there could be a God and aliens and reincarnation and some geezer years ago turning water into wine. I don’t believe when you die, you die."

“I f***ing hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.”

"We will be as big as the Beatles, if not bigger."

Liam

"My kids also like that bloke, WhatsApp Ricky. You know, the American geezer, stylish, funny, gold teeth. [when told he means A$AP Rocky] Oh yeah, that’s the fella. WhatsApp Ricky. That’s a better fucking name anyway."

“I’ve only been down Oxford Street once. It was a few years ago after an awards ceremony. It was three in the morning. And I got arrested.”

“We don’t observe bank holidays in this band. It’s all one big bank holiday, one big fucking day off. But I say good luck to them, man. Fair play to the pair of them.”

"I mean, the devil's got all the good gear. What's God got? The Inspiral Carpets and nuns. F*** that."

"I did the whole Knebworth set in the shower earlier. It was f***ing great."

"You know them shoes that just come out at you like a f*cking snooker cue? It’s like, ‘Leave it out, man! You got a licence for them bastards or what?"

Liam

“Fuck the sea. I ain’t going in that. Fuck that, mate. That ain’t meant for us. That’s meant for the sharks, and the jellyfish, tadpoles and stuff.”

“I’m insulted that people think Noel Gallagher has been fucking carrying this band for the last 18 years. People were saying, ‘Oh it’s going to be fucking shit.’ It’s like, are you tripping or what?”

“I really despise this new fucking disease of indie fucking shit, fucking student music, the likes of Bloc Party and all that fucking nonsense. They don’t keep me awake at night, but it’s just shite, and they can fucking have it mate.”

(On Keith Richards and George Harrison) “They’re jealous and senile and not getting enough fucking meat pies.” 

“Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher. What’s all that with writing messages about Free Trade? If he wants to write things down I’ll give him a pen and a pad of paper. Bunch of students.”

liam

(On Wayne Rooney) “He looks like a fucking balloon with a fucking Weetabix crushed on top. He’s better off as a skinhead, isn’t he?” 

“Muse fucking scare me. They’re like fucking creepy shit. But people like ’em. They at least play guitars, but when I hear his voice I’m like, Ah, fuck him.”

“I fucking hate Glastonbury, mate. I’m only here for the money.”

“Alan White… oh, I can’t do it. I can’t be arsed.”

“I don’t go out and get wasted. I’ve got kids and they’re getting to that age when they’re like, ‘How come you get to lie in bed all day and I’ve got to go to school?’”

“I’m an average lad who was born in Burnage who played conkers. Conkers, mate. Conkers. The lot. And now I'm in a band and nothing's changed.”

oasis

“I like Noel outside the band. Human Noel – that’s my brother – I fucking adore him and I’d do anything for him. But the geezer that’s in this fucking business, he’s one of the biggest cocks in the universe.”

“Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don't get it.”

“Discipline? I don't know the meaning of the word.”

“You've seen one of the our gigs you've seen 'em all. But if you're into the music, you'll know that we played better the night before or we can play better.”

"Everyone'll be calling their kids Beady Eye by the end of the year"

"It's Charlotte Church for me, man. She could be the next Liam. She's got a great voice and she f***ing has it. She knows how to get f***ing hammered and she freaks people out."

oasis

"The Sun? There's a load of cunts at that newspaper."

“If I lost my hair you would never see me on that stage again, because there’s no place for baldness in rock n roll”

(On Mumford & Sons) ”Everyone looks like they've got fucking nits and eat lentil soup with their sleeves rolled up!”

“That’s the story of my life, mate, I’m always having to go one louder.”

“Turn that fucking shit fog machine off.”

“I said to Marilyn Manson: 'Your music’s shit, but your f**kin’ show was mental’.”

“They think I'm a big-mouthed cunt from Manchester, and they’d be correct.”

oasis

“It’s good people living on your doorstep and looking through your bins. Gives me a kick up the arse. Otherwise I’d just sit around getting fat.”

“I’d have liked to have gone to fucking college, you know what I mean? But we couldn’t afford it. Some of us had to go down and dig holes on the site with fucking Murphy and Dick.”

“I’m moving back to Manchester if City win the league. I’m going to buy a house next to Mani out of Stone Roses and be a real noisy ******* neighbour – hurl abuse at him over the fence.”

“I don’t give a fuck what awards he gets. Ivor Novello Award? What is it? Don’t want anything to do with that shit.”

“The White Stripes? Fooking rubbish. School ties? At the age of 24? Fooking hell.” 

Liam

(On Mumford and Sons) “I’m sure they’re all nice lads but that’s not for me. They look like fucking Amish people. I need music to be a bit more sexy and played by people who look a bit fucking dangerous.”

“Balotelli’s a character but he needs to sort his napper out. I like characters – if the world was full of fucking Gary Nevilles, it would be bobbins. He looks like an estate agent.”

"If you want to see the opposite sex spout four heads, then exchange a couple of rings. You walk to the altar with a woman with one head and you walk back with a f***ing monster."

"The Beatles play guitars, we play guitars. The Beatles got hair, we've got hair. The Beatles got arms, we've got arms."

"Being me is the best f***ing gig in the world."

(On Billie Joe Armstrong) “Fuck right off. I’m not having him. I just don’t like his head.”

oasis

“If someone’s barking up the wrong tree I sort of point them in the right direction, but other than that I’m not into tweeting – it’s rubbish.”

"Whoever's throwing things like this on stage...like...if you don't like the music, f*** off!"

"I don't think I've ever said anything that's nasty."

"You see pictures of Bono running around LA with his little white legs and a bottle of Volvic and he looks like a fanny."

"I refuse to dance. And I can't dance anyway. I'm not in a band for that."

liam

"At the end of the day a name's a name. You could be called f***ing Veiny Love Stick, but if your music's shit then it's shit."

"It's good people living on your doorstep and looking through your bins. Gives me a kick up the arse. Otherwise I'd just sit around getting fat."

"If I wasn't a musician I don't know. I'd be God, maybe? That would be a good job."

"I only use my Twitter as a weapon or to say thanks to people or if people are getting a bit fresh. Instead of waiting six months to do an interview, put them into place, do it on Twitter.'

"You're going to be f***ing arrested wearing [Jay-Z's Rocawear] gear and you're going to pull a really nice-looking bird wearing mine."

liam

“I still love George Harrison as a songwriter in the Beatles, but as a person I think he’s a fucking nipple. And if I ever meet him I’ll fucking tell him.”

“Noel Gallagher, Russell Brand, fucking hell…what a pair of old housewives.”

“90 per cent of the music business is run by idiots and I’ll guess it’s the same for fashion, know what I mean?”

(On Christmas) “The usual. I’ll be sitting there all day, getting wankered. Probably eating loads of fucking food an’ all. What are the kids after this year? What do you think? Loads of fucking toys.”

“I’m a better singer than him [Noel]. I’m the man, man.”

(On Keith Richards and George Harrison) “They’re jealous and senile and not getting enough fucking meat pies.”

liam

(On his garden) "I much prefer it be fucking paved. The minute I get some money in the bank there’ll be fucking concrete going over it."

"I can't swim. I can have a bath and that. I'm all right in a hot tub. But put me out in the ocean and I'm gone."

"I live for now, not for what happens after I die. If I die and there's something afterwards, I'm going to hell, not heaven.”

"We don't observe bank holidays in this band. It's all one big bank holiday, one big f***ing day off."

"I’m down with my feminine side, without a f***ing doubt."

"People think I'm just a f***ing lunatic, but Noel can be a little bitch, too."

gallagher

“I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.”

"I'm Liam Gallagher and I'm in Oasis. The whole world is jealous of me. It should be."

"Being a lad is what I'm about. I can tell you who isn't a lad - anyone from Blur."

"I'm getting up earlier and earlier now man. I try and beat the alarm clock. The alarm goes off at six and I try to get up at 5.59 just to do its head in."

"I don’t think tension makes for great records. That’s a load of bollocks."

“I have got a bit of an issue with cardigans. They’re shit aren’t they?”

oasis

“I’m right into it, it’ll finish off the Kaiser Chiefs and put them to bed. There’s nothing worse than a shit Blur.”

“I refuse to dance. And I can’t dance anyway. I’m not in a band for that.”

“At Knebworth I thought we were doing one night and we were doing two. I got that mashed on the first I woke up to a knock on the door and thought I was at home. I forgot all about it. But I had to go and do it again. That was heavy.”

“I heard that fucking Radiohead record and I just go, ‘What?!’ I like to think that what we do, we do fucking well. Them writing a song about a fucking tree? Give me a fucking break! A thousand year old tree? Go fuck yourself!”

(On going to gigs) “Fuck that. What’s the point? The bands are all shit, aren’t they? Go out to socialise and have some student stand on your fucking shoes?”

Liam

“I guide myself. If I bump into walls, I bump into walls. I’m like a little bumper car, I keep bumping into questions and answers and it’s a top buzz, man.”

“Rock stars exercising? I don't think it's right. You either got it or you ain't. I drink too much but you won't catch me doing sit-ups or jogging. You see pictures of Bono running around LA with his little white legs and a bottle of Volvic and he looks like a fanny. I mean, maybe if it was a bottle of vodka.”

“I’m singing as well as I ever have. And I think the Beady Eye tunes are just as good as ‘Definitely Maybe’, if not better.”

"I’ve mellowed, but not in the sense of liking Radiohead or Coldplay."

“I’d like to f***ing hang Robbie Williams onstage. What’s he done to me this time? Nothing. He’s just somebody I’d like to hang.”

"Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher."

liam

(On Coldplay and Radiohead) “I don’t hate them, I don’t wish they had accidents. I think their fans are boring and ugly and don’t look like they’re having a good time.”

“I’m not thinking about anything except getting the message across. I don’t even know what the f**king message is!”

“I can still go pound for pound with any clown at any time.”

"There`s Elvis and me. I couldn`t say which of the two is best."

"I have never seen a U2 fan. I have never seen anyone with a U2 shirt or been around someone's house that has a f***ing U2 record. Where do their fans f***ing come from?"

"Everyone knows that if you've got a brother, you're going to fight."

oasis

"I'm going to live in Ireland. But not for tax purposes. That's for greedy c***s. I like the taxman. The taxman's good."

“It's a good thing we won, because we were going to trash the place if we didn't.”

"I'm not the likes of Mick Jagger, man. I don't think singers who start off singing should play guitar. It looks f***ing stupid."

"I don't have a bad word to say about Be Here Now. The only person who's got a problem with it is Noel. He wrote it, so then it's his problem."

"Pete Doherty needs a slap, and the sooner he gets it, the better."

“I’m not one of them that walks around town like I’m the king of London. If I need to get milk I go out and get milk, but most of the time I’m indoors.”

I was walking along and this chair came flying past me, and another, and another, and I thought, man, is this gonna be a good night."

(Images: Rex)

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