2017, eh? 2017, EH? What an absolute year of a year - loadsa stuff happened, didn’t it? Like, lots of bad things (you know, all the Trump stuff), but also some good things (I discovered, six years late, the video of Mike Parry doing the cinnamon challenge and my life has forever been altered for the better - I mean, I watch it at least twice every single day now, it has become an obsession, and I will never stop).
As such, and to swerve the risk of making this a very depressing article, I shall be focusing on the fun stuff - the dumb, the preposterous, the heinous, but most definitely the fun stuff. So without further spittle spraying forth from my big nonsense mouth, so very fond it is of preamble, let’s get down to it: here are the 19 most ridiculous news stories of 2017.
"Catch him Derry!"
The Tinder Poo Girl
I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of bad dates - most people have - but have you ever had someone throw a big lump of their own shit in between the frames of your bathroom window? Has that ever happened? Did they then, regretting their decision, try and climb in to retrieve it, before getting so stuck, so unbelievable stuck, that the fire service had to cut them out? Did that thing happen? DID THEY POO IN YOUR WINDOW SO MUCH THAT YOU HAD TO CALL 999?
No they didn’t, did they, because it is a story so stupid, so ridiculous, that it can only have happened once, and will never happen again. As such, chances are you were not involved in this story. But Tinder Poo Girl was, upside down, piece of excrement by her head, making an indelible skid-mark on the internet for eternity.
Stupid idiot hamster goes to the vet
Hamsters, I reckon, are pretty dumb in the grand scheme of things. Thick-headed little idiots, I rate. Stupid furry punks driven by motor impulses, tiny, puny brains entirely devoid of logic or reasoning. Little halfwits, the lot of them.
So yeah, it’s no surprise that one of these loser animals got involved in a viral story directly relating to its stupidity. To cut a long story short, a girl took her bumbleheaded wack-ass rodent to the vet because it hadn’t moved for three days - it was just sat against the same railing of its cage, not eating or drinking anything.
Turns out, *sigh*, he’d just swallowed a fridge magnet and it’d stuck him to the metal. What an unthinking witless case of trash, that hamster is. Could’ve died! Could’ve died a thin-cheeked death against the cage, all because it sucked a magnet. Hamsters are the Insane Clown Posse of half-baked pets. I hate them.
GPS super burglar
If you are going to burgle some houses on a night out - each to their own - then my suggestion is that you try and come up with some sort of method for not getting caught. Like, you don’t want anyone to know what you’re doing, otherwise it becomes very difficult to burgle, and also you might get sent to jail. So, I don’t know, just one tip: don’t wear a GPS bracelet that shows the literal police where you are while you’re doing burglaries.
But hey, some people do things that sit nicely out of the comprehension of you or I - like Stuart Campbell, who’d had a GPS ankle bracelet fitted following his release from prison. Then, what he did with the device beaming out his exact location at all times, was go for a quick burglary. Or five of them. Five burglaries, all nicely pinpointed with location and time data. Then back to jail, as it happens, because nobody has ever been more guilty of something in the history of the world.
"Put your hands on the car and get ready to die"
Greggs replace Jesus with a sausage roll
Andy Murray's sausage baby
Reality TV contestants have their show cancelled while they're still on it
Can you actually imagine going on a reality TV show for a whole year, a full year of your life spent in the middle of nowhere up in Scotland, and then when you finally got to the end, ready for a welcoming fanfare, you found out that they’d just fucked it off and packed it all in, not even halfway through your tenure? You’ve wasted a whole year on a TV show that wasn’t even on. They didn’t even show it!
No club openings, no opportunities to star on Dancing on Ice, no protein shake deals - just a year in the cold with zero reward. Eden? Nope, ain’t heard of it, sorry. You were on it? Eeeeden? Eden? Naa, you must be thinking of something else. You were on something else, not Eden, because Eden doesn’t exist, never heard of Eden in my life. Eden is not a thing, I’m afraid. Anyway, that’ll be five quid, please, enjoy your meal.
Carter gets his nuggs
A year’s supply of chicken nuggets, and all you had to do was get the most retweeted tweet of all time. A) Why didn’t I think of that, and B) Why did he ask for only a year’s worth? He’s done it now, no going back - you achieved the impossible and all you’ve got is 365 days worth of thanks for the pleasure. Could have got a lifetime’s worth, easily. Stupid old Carter, undervaluing himself once again.
As I’ve always said and will also have engraved on my tombstone: Don’t ever get out of bed for less than a lifetime’s worth of free nuggets, I ain’t no punk.
Callum's Lidl odyssey
The curious incident with the naked man and the mum
Waking up naked in strange places is funny, isn’t it? Sign of a good night, I’d say - in some strange bed, with a big skeleton face plastered on your skin. You’ve also been nicely tucked in by a lady who is not, in fact, your mum, but somebody else’s entirely. A lady who assumed you were her son.
That is, until the lady’s suspicious husband realises that you are not their son, and says to her:
“There’s a naked bloke upstairs.
“And it’s not Stewart.”
And then you must make your excuses and leave, naked man. You must escape, before you outstay your already overdue and mistakenly offered welcome. Put your ‘belongings’ away, and go home, naked man. Naked man, leave this place, I am tired of you.
Man loudly declares himself a legend, is immediately rendered not-a-legend
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride
Nelson Vivas turns into The Hulk after getting sent off
McDonald's runs out of Szechuan sauce
Ted Cruz's 9/11 'me time'
If you are a politician, particularly a prominent one, there are certain things you shouldn’t do. One of those things, in my opinion, is to not publicly fave a porn tweet on 9/11. Just a hunch, but you shouldn’t do that. Don’t alert the world to the fact you are pleasuring yourself on a day of national mourning. Probs don’t do that.
But hey, senator Ted Cruz did that. He faved the porn tweet, and he did it on the anniversary of when ‘them slags’ smashed into the twin towers. What a brazen legend.
An escaped cougar terrorises America
Really, I’m not sure I understand the world anymore. It’s a funny kind of climate when a red-faced man eating a pie that isn’t even a pie on television can lead to actual column inches, actual minutes of news coverage, an actual scandal. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I don’t know much about the inner workings of football or betting, but a large boy eating a fucking pasty with both hands like an otter, and then getting sacked for it, is something that should not have ever been a thing. But it was, and that is why it is 2017, and we are all going to die soon.
That’s your lot - I truly hope 2018 brings more of the same, because everything is slowly going to hell, and sometimes you need a little cheering up. And if, at the very least, one of those stories involves a veiny BBC producer screaming threats at an 11-year-old boy, then I am here for it.