Most people – in 2017 – know the panic you get before going on a Tinder date. What if they look nothing like they do in their pictures? What if they turn up in bare feet? What if they literally murder me to death?
But what is the worst that can happen, really? What is the worst thing that can actually happen on a Tinder date. Well, my friends, the answer is this. This story is 100% the worst thing that can ever possibly happen on a Tinder date. Infinitely worse than being murdered, and yes, even worse than your date having a deep, personal aversion to shoes and socks. This is the story of the worst – but also funniest – Tinder date of all time.
It all starts with a man named Liam Smyth, and ends with a gofundme page for a new bathroom window. He is a postgraduate student living in Bristol, and had been on a date with a woman who he, mercifully, has decided not to name.
They went to Nando’s, and on the gofundme page, Liam says the pair “had a lovely evening, and enjoyed each other’s company very much”. So far so good – enjoyable company and peri-peri chicken – solid 7/10 date at the very worst.
Liam says they then made his way back to his house, for some “Louis Theroux and chill”. His date inevitably got up to use the toilet, because – while Nando’s is great – this is what happens when you eat there. This is one of the many reasons you should never go to Nando’s on a first date.
“She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me,” Smyth said.
"‘I went for a poo in your toilet’", she told me, ‘and it would not flush. I don't know why I did this, but I panicked’. She continued: ‘I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window’.”
OK, quick pause here, firstly, to praise this woman for the sheer honestly involved in telling your date such an outrageously embarrassing story – one that you know is probably 90% certain to end any future romantic involvement between the two of you right there on the spot, and secondly to say, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TELL HIM THOUGH? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM?!
Anyway, Liam continues:
“I was understandably concerned, and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened. Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, separated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.”
He even provided some pictures to illustrate this:
If you look really carefully at that top picture there, you can just see the small white ‘package’ down the bottom. That is Liam’s date’s poo.
“As can be seen in the picture, the inside window opens at the top, into the gap that is separated from the garden by a non-opening double-glazed window pane,” Liam said. “Seeing only one solution, I messaged our house group-chat, and went upstairs to find a hammer and chisel to smash open the window.
“My date had other ideas.
“Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested ‘inside out bag as glove’ technique. Unfortunately she couldn't reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head-first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came.”
Success! She did it! The poo is out and all is well! We had to read the sentence, “She climbed in head-first after her own turd” to get there, but this story’s done, it’s over, right? Oh no.
“She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.”
Helpfully, Liam has again provided a picture, as evidence:
Good. So where are we at? Well, the poo is in the toilet, which is good, but the date is in the window, which from our perspective is also good, but from hers is likely very bad. Liam, I imagine, is feeling somewhat conflicted at this point. On the one hand, this is clearly the funniest thing that will ever happen to him in his entire life, on the other, there is a woman he seems to quite like very firmly stuck behind his bathroom window.
So what does he do next?
“Unfortunately for my date, at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament. She had been upside down in the window for around 15 minutes at this point, and I was starting to grow concerned for her health. I called the fire brigade.
“Bristol's finest were on scene, sirens blaring, in a matter of minutes. Once they had composed themselves after surveying the scene in front of them, they set to work removing my date from the window using all of their special firemen hammers and tools. It took them about 15 minutes.”
This gives a total of half an hour for which Liam’s date was stuck, upside down, in the window. Being the true hero that he is, Liam has once again provided a photo, this time of the firemen at work:
That’s four firemen there. Four firemen to save a girl who accidentally threw a poo at a window and then got stuck trying to retrieve it. Four firemen who now have a story to tell at every social occasion they ever go to. Their icebreaker is sorted for life.
Now, while the date is free and the poo is flushed, there’s still another sad twist left to the story – before it ends on a very happy note. The fireman had to smash Liam’s window to free his date, and Liam has been quoted upwards of £300 to repair it.
“As a postgraduate student, that is a significant chunk of my monthly budget (in fact, that is my monthly budget),” he says.
“So I'm turning to the internet for help. If people could donate just a couple of pounds/dollars/yen/rupee/North Korea Won to help me repair my (now broken) window I would be eternally grateful. If the window is not replaced my landlord may well kill me, so you would be literally helping to save a life.”
He adds: “Oh yeah, and if by some miracle I manage to raise more money through this page than the cost of the window, any remainder will be split 50/50 between two charities:
“First, Toilet Twinning, a charity building and maintaining flushing toilets in the developing world. 60% of people worldwide don't have access to a flushing toilet, which, when you think about it, really is pretty shit.
“Second, to The Fire Fighters Charity. The guys who came to the house were brilliant, took everything in good humour, and [were] professional. This call out was pretty funny, but they do risk their lives on a daily basis, and the firefighters charity provides financial, psychological and medical help to the brave men and women who risk their lives for us.”
Two things, Liam: first, props on being a good guy and choosing some really important charities. And secondly, how did you think it would take a miracle to raise money through this page? How did you not realise that, as soon as you posted this, the internet would be whipped up into an actual shitstorm, and that everyone would be talking about you, your date, and her poo wrapped in toilet paper?
The page has already raised more than £1,600, all of which will now be going to charity, as Liam has has offers to replace the window for free. He wrote in an update on the gofundme page:
“Wow. Thanks for all the support. We have far exceeded the target, and had a few offers to have the window replaced, free of charge. 100% of the money raised will be going to charity. I'm astounded by the response to this, as these are two fantastic causes.”
A few concluding thoughts: If Liam and this woman don’t stay together forever now, what is even the point in life? If they do, oh man is their wedding going to be funny; and, most importantly, if enough women throw enough poos at enough windows, maybe we can raise enough money to save the world. Just an idea.