Almost Seppy, innit? August went by in a flash, an absolute flishy flash. Get anything done in it? Nope! Course not! It’s August - what you did was spend too much money, drink too much alcohol, and carelessly expose your delicate muscle coating to dangerous levels of sunlight.
September now, though, so you gotsta buck up those ideas, son, and get back to work. There’s no time for slacking in any areas, including the style stakes - so get yourself a head-start with this week’s selection of beauties:
A pocket that’s a different style to the rest of the t-shirt? You bet your bottom dollar. A t-shirt that’s 86% black with a fancy little check pocket on the front to make people stop and look. That’ll be Raf Simons injecting Fred Perry with a lovely bit of additional pizzazz.
A good tee, this, and now that the world isn’t a boiling of lava, you can wear black without slow-cooking your internal organs into an entirely unappealing goulash.
Funny, because it’s not 99p, is it? It’s got a picture of a 99p flake ice cream (which are similarly now no longer 99p) on the front, but it actually costs 30 quid. Still, that’s not a bad price - it could have been 99 quid.
If there’s anything wrong with this t-shirt, it’s that if I had paid anything over 99p for the ice cream depicted upon it, I would have regrettably had to let the ice cream man’s tyres down, because that is a serving of the puniest order. What a rip-off. The t-shirt though? Can’t argue with it.
Great colour, great texture, great logo = great cap. If you’re flirting with the idea of wearing a cap, then this is a bang-on choice for starters. Of course, you might have a particularly childish and irritating group of friends who enjoy knocking it off your head at any given opportunity, in which case you may have to say goodbye to the dream of adding “The Hat” between your first and second names. Can’t win ‘em all, Captain No Hat.
I reckon, if you’re gonna buy a hoodie, just bloody go and get a Champion one. It’ll be good, it’s a given - just absolutely buy one, it makes sense. They’re just good hoodies, and that’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? A good hoody? Course it was.
Also, this one says “TOKYO BEAMS” on it, and that was the other thing you were looking for in a hoody, right? One that said “TOKYO BEAMS” on it? Phew.
I’m not here to fashion shame, but these shoes are batshit. In a good way, of course, but they remain in the realm of crazy. Obviously they’ve come straight from Pharrell, a man who’s been known to “wear something a bit ‘eye-catching’ now and again”, but I reckon you could pull these off. Not literally, of course - that would defeat the point of wearing shoes - but I reckon you could wear them and you’d look pretty good.
Gotta be careful what you’re teaming them with, though, like: don’t wear them with a rainbow wig, a big red nose and a flower that shoots water, for example. Keep your tones neutral, let your kicks do the talking (shouting).
Nice pair of joggers that have a bit of writing on the side. If you want any further descriptive hyperbole, you’re not gonna get it here. They’re well fitted, look good with Converse (see above) and will possibly be the comfiest item you own - just buy the goddamn sweatpants and be done with it, sheesh.
V good, hefty, sturdy, looks-like-it-could-survive-if-you-chucked-it-down-a-toboggan-run, bag. It’s waterproof and you can wear it on your back AND ALSO can carry it like a holdall - that’s a versatile vessel for your property, right there, and it’ll easily withstand a Super-Soaker attack from the big boys down the road on the way home.
Get yourself a pair of smart trainers. They’re the best things ever - want to dress down and wear them with shorts or jeans? You are allowed. Want to tighten things up and pair them with some smart trousers? You are allowed. Day, night, out, in, they’re about as adaptable as can be - you can even wear them with a suit, if you absolutely must.
And these smooth bar-stewards are top-notch - simple, sleek, sexy. Again, though, don’t take their multifaceted nature as gospel - they will still look stupid paired with a rainbow wig, a big red nose and a flower that shoots water.
Green and white - the colour scheme so favoured by Lacoste, Dunlop et al - is a fail-safe way to look good. Very French Riviera, very tennis, very noice. This one even has a jazzy all-over pattern for you to saunter about in, you big show-off.
It’s alright to show off when you look good, though - in fact, looking good is all about showing off. So do it! Do it relentlessly! Do it until it becomes tiresome and you have alienated your peers! EVERYONE LOVES A SHOW-OFF!
Just because the end of summer is closing in on us, it doesn’t mean that you have to stop wearing lairy shirts, oh no. This would look proper good under a denim jacket or even a nice two-piece - a bit of sartorial flair peppered through an otherwise standard outfit can do wonders for a look. Also, if you absolutely have to do it again, then it’ll make that snake impression that you insist on doing at every social gathering, at least 2% funnier. Up from -10%.