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Useless video game weapons


From the chainsaw in Doom to Soul Caliber’s Soul Edge sword, computer game history is littered with the kind of skin-shredding, bone-busting weapons most teenagers dream of wielding.

However, not every pixelated arsenal is so impressively-stocked. In fact, some of them are downright pathetic. Here's our selection of the least effective video game weaponry - let us know which ones we missed in the comments section at the bottom of the page.

Green shell (Mario Kart)

The red shell was a fabulous thing. A glorious, ruby-tinted homing missile that could be sent hurtling towards your nearest competitor’s brakelights with astonishing accuracy. The blue shell was even better. At the touch of a button, it targeted the driver in first place, immediately detonating them and anyone within their blast radius. The green shell, however, was nothing but an elaborately comical suicide pill. Upon launch, it would generally ricochet chaotically off every surface in sight, before eventually returning to smash its distributor square in the face.

Klobb (Goldeneye)

In a game that boasted such slick, deadly weapons as the Sniper Rifle and the RC-P90, the inclusion of the pitiful Klobb almost seemed like an unspotted technical glitch. Loud, weak and irritatingly unpredictable, this jumped-up BB gun was more trouble than it was worth. In fact, you were usually better off dumping it and using your bare hands.

Egg (Resident Evil 4 & 5)

Horror films have taught us many ways to dispose of a member of the undead: shotgun, pitchfork, cricket bat. Never, though, have any of these movies depicted the defeat of an advancing zombie with an egg. Or any dairy product, for that matter. However, a fragile-shelled chicken foetus was one of the many combative options made available to you in the Resident Evil franchise. Granted, the ‘Rotten Egg’ was an effective weapon, killing the Majini instantly, but its edible brethren did little more than add a yolky stain to the zombies’ already-soiled jackets.

Pistol (Grand Theft Auto 1 & 2)

Think back to the early, bird’s-eye-view GTA offerings. These games required dedicated squinting just to make out the characters, so your chances of accurately aiming a miniscule pistol bullet at an oncoming policeman were preposterously slim. The only way to actually kill anyone with this hapless weapon was to walk right up behind them and shoot them in the back. Like a coward. Is that what you wanted us to become, Rockstar Games? A generation of cowards?

Raphael's sais (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

‘Raphael is cool’, claimed the Turtles theme tune, confidently. Clearly its composer’s definition of ‘cool’ differed greatly from ours. We can’t see anything remotely ‘cool’ about sprinting into battle with only a pair of gardening trowels for protection. In the video game, though, Raphael’s ‘sais’ went from laughably unfashionable to fatally impractical. While Leonardo, Donatello and Michaelangelo all wielded weapons with considerable reach, their red-masked colleague had to be within about 3 pixels of an enemy to do any damage. By which time he’d probably been viciously slaughtered.

Toy Laser Sword (Dead Rising)

Let’s be honest: this weapon’s name does not inspire total confidence in its ability to cause damage. Unlike the predictably effective Laser Sword, the Toy Laser Sword might have impressed a bored child, but it didn’t exactly excel at thwarting bloodthirsty zombies. It was useful at night, due to its perpetual luminous glow, but as far as murdering undead assailants went, you might as well have been holding a baguette.

The Great Knife (Silent Hill 2)

The Great Knife could certainly do some serious damage, but it was also a massive pain to carry around. The gargantuan blade was so large that you literally had to drag it behind you as you walked, meaning that when you’d finally summoned the strength required to swing it at an adversary, they’d usually already bumped you off. Hugely useful for carving a roast elephant at an unorthodox Sunday dinner; less practical for slaying foes at a lightning-quick speed.

Leaf Shield (Mega Man)

‘It’s about as much as use as a chocolate teapot’ is a popular put-down for any object that’s inherently pointless. With the Leaf Shield, however, the brains behind Mega Man may have knocked that chocolate teapot off its redundant perch. Attempting to defend your body from harm by covering it with foliage WILL NOT WORK. It will just make you look like you’ve fallen over in an arboretum. Plus, the so-called ‘shield’ flew off as soon as Mega Man moved. Not ideal.


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