Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
October 9th, 2013
Falling: Fathers quitting smoking
A writer from Buzzfeed returns home to his wife, cursed to only be able to express his love for her in the form of a list.— Betfair Poker (@Betfairpoker) October 7, 2013
Make a wistful observation about life online:
I used to wish for things. Lie in bed at night, full of hope. Write my dreams down. Now I just post photos of myself on the internet.— Galia Mango (@galiamango) October 6, 2013
Be Harry Styles and say "All my stuff and things":
All my stuff and things.— Harry Styles (@Harry_Styles) October 4, 2013
But there's something unseemly about begging, and something even more unseemly about emotional blackmail – particularly emotional blackmail that doesn't work. I hereby present "If you retweet this my dad will stop smoking", which is the new "any sudden moves and the bunny rabbit gets it".
IF THIS GETS 3K RTS MY DAD WILL QUIT SMOKING PLEASE I REALLY WANT HIM TO STOP SMOKING P L E A S E— hi (@Perrie_Support) March 3, 2013
(2,811 retweets short of target.)
If this tweet gets 1,000 RT's my dad will quit smoking.— C△|☯ß (@ilovepizza420) June 10, 2013
(996 retweets short of target.)
PLEASE RETWEET this so my dad will quit smoking!— Valentino Gallinatti (@MGallinatti) July 23, 2013
(Not even imaginative enough to specify a target.)
I think it's safe to say that no father has ever stopped smoking because of a half-arsed social media campaign initiated by one of his offspring that's got more to do with racking up retweets in the vain hope of achieving self-validation than an attempt at lung saving, an observation that's made regularly on Twitter in caustic fashion:
"10,000 RTs and my dad will quit smoking" your dad is a faggot.— Jack Mull (@J4CKMULL) June 24, 2013
"50000 retweets and my dad will quit smoking!" No bitch no.— DeeJayº (@Bvsed_Dj) August 6, 2013
The burden of proof, of course, falls upon the person begging for the retweets, and many resort to posting screen grabs of SMS conversations they've had with their father in which he agrees to the plan. It's true to say that forgery is not a talent this people possess in abundance; "Dad will you quit smoking" is usually the first ever text that the child has sent their father, rather than "Did you get this?" or "Hi".
"500 retweets and my dad will QUIT smoking" - I bet her dad doesn't even smoke, the attention seeking cow.— Sean Hewitt (@WafcSean) September 27, 2013
Guys please retweet this. 500 retweets and my dad will quit smoking. :))) RT pic.twitter.com/lu5icQJR93— Steven Dees (@StevenDees) August 10, 2013
These screen grabs, being devoid of specifics, are of course endlessly reusable, and you see the same ones being deployed by different people in the vain hope of attracting small amounts of attention. This next one is a good one, demonstrating as it does an easy-come, easy-go attitude on the part of the father that's completely at odds with the behavioural characteristics of nicotine addiction.
If I get 5,000 retweets my dad will quit smoking pic.twitter.com/wyFpZykA5D— DANIEL TAYLOR (@daniel_taylor3) June 20, 2013
This, however, is the best:
My dad will quit smoking crack, using a dead tramp as a bong, if I get 1000 RTs— gdorean (@gdorean) September 27, 2013
Flatlining: High, chunky turtleneck sweaters
Here are a couple of Eric’s favourite high, chunky turtleneck sweaters:
What do you guys think? pic.twitter.com/PAuVjRb3db— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) March 10, 2013
A newer pic! Thoughts? pic.twitter.com/3nY9ApAK17— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) March 25, 2013
@FaneEric operates what is largely a one-issue Twitter account. He valiantly tries to create a friendly environment where people of all creeds and colours can openly discuss knitwear of the high, chunky turtleneck variety. Over the last four days he has made a concerted effort to draw the Twitter community into the conversation:
@HorrorGirlKate What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@ScreamPrincess What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@PhysiologicFear What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@tangoineden What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@LinneaQuigley What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@melaniedenholme What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@dieannfoster What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@Sarah_Nicklin What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@Chainsaw_Sally What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
@TiffanyShepis What do you think of high, chunky turtleneck sweaters on men?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 6, 2013
You get the idea. Responses to Eric’s line of questioning were few, far between and slightly puzzled.
@FaneEric its a little hot for that right now isn't it?— Miss Horror Nerd (@MissHorrorNerd) October 6, 2013
But he remains undaunted, and you have to admire that kind of tenacity. Don’t you?
NB: Eric has one other interest that he occasionally likes to pursue on Twitter:
@JoyLimNakrin What would you do if someone fainted on you on live TV?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) September 24, 2013
@Debby_Knox What would you do if someone fainted on you during an interview?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 3, 2013
@ErinSteerClear What would you do if someone fainted on you on live TV?— Eric Fane (@FaneEric) October 3, 2013
The best answer to this was provided back in August by @caitlinmoran:
@FaneEric get off with them?— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) August 29, 2013
October 3rd, 2013
Rising: Celebrity Awareness Game
SHELBY DOESN'T KNOW WHO CHEWBACCA IS 😱😱😱😱— Martha Bobo⚓ (@MBoboo) October 2, 2013
Wookie. Star Wars. Boom. 1/1.
My sister doesn't know who Aaron Hernandez is...— Will Florek (@Willyum_23) October 2, 2013
No idea. Apparently he’s an “American football tight end who is currently a free agent and last played for the New England Patriots”. 1/2.
my mom doesn't know who Natalie Portman is 😱— ♡ October 9th ♡ (@mikaelapaigee) October 2, 2013
White Swan in Black Swan. 2/3.
Can't believe cyenna doesn't know who max b is— Oct5♕ (@Gifted_x3) October 2, 2013
I don’t know who Max B is. Wikipedia tells me that he’s a rapping murderer. 2/4.
My brother doesn't know who David Bowie is oh my word— melissa. #RIPDepz (@meljspinks) October 2, 2013
The singer in Tin Machine. 3/5. I’m doing better than I usually do at this.
Tem doesn't know who Logan Lerman is I'm so #done— ☂ (@ednough) October 2, 2013
Had to look Logan up. He’s an actor in some things I haven’t seen. 3/6.
Emily's little sister doesn't know who drake is...— Mikayla G. (@xo_mermaids) October 2, 2013
I KNOW THIS ONE because my girlfriend DJs occasionally and she plays this and I like it a lot. 4/7.
lewis doesn't know who tom jones is omg— lizzieeee (@lizzielotad) October 2, 2013
Target for throwers of capacious underwear. 5/8.
In French class and there's a guy who doesn't know who Zinedine Zidane is. I died a little.— Emily (@emmabeens) October 2, 2013
Cup final headbutter. 6/9.
My nurse tonight doesn't know who Luke Bryan is.... What?!?!!! I'm like in awh.— Shelby Watkins (@ShelbyyWatkins) October 2, 2013
American country singer, apparently. 6/10.
this bitch doesn't know who Selena Quintanilla is ... what the fuuuuck?!?!— ♥ Leo♥ (@Leo_Love23) October 2, 2013
Nor does this bitch. The “Mexican Madonna”. Interesting Wikipedia entry. 6/11.
Jakori doesn't know who August alsina is💀— 9:22✨ (@IX_XXII_XCVIII) October 2, 2013
Mee neether. Recorded a song called “I Luv This Shit”. 6/12. Gah.
My mom doesn't know who Nelson Mandela is, so there's that.— C.J. Oswald (@Cjoswald95) October 2, 2013
I end strongly. 7/13. Just over half marks. I hereby apply for the editorship of OK! Magazine.
October 2nd, 2013
Falling: Loving the Daily Mail
But hang on a sec. The Mail’s flogging over 1.7m newspapers per day. Its website is the biggest news website in the world. Twitter surely can’t be an inherently left-wing medium, so where are all the people who like the Mail? Where are all the people who are proud to state their allegiance? Their voices just don’t seem to have been heard on social media in the last couple of days, so in the interests of balance (because ShortList wouldn’t dream of being partisan) I’ve tried to find some.
I love the daily mail only newspaper to have the balls to pinpoint the real problem in this country ! #FairPlay— Danny (@DannyLouis21) October 2, 2013
I love The Daily Mail #jussaying— Tuna Fische (@drakestonehotel) October 1, 2013
I love the Daily Mail. Best and most truthful paper the UK has. Ppl do t like uncomfortable truths— Rangers Info (@RangersUnified) October 1, 2013
That’s three. I did find a few more but they were being sarcastic.