You're going to want to hide your wallet for the following article. Something expensive might happen by the time you finish it.
While viewing figures and cosplay dominance at Comicon certainly provide insight into the scale of the phenomena that is Game of Thrones, it's not until you turn to the show's growing merchandise catalogue that you realise things are getting out of hand (sorry Jaime).
From language guides to replica weapons, you'll be amazed at what the average fan can pick up these days. And no, they definitely aren't toys. Pedant.
Dragon Egg Collection
"Oh that? That's my box of dragon eggs. This one hatches to become Drogon, this one beco... where are you going?"
Set fire to them all you want, they're not going to hatch.
A (small) replica Iron Throne
Perfect for those whose reign of terror begins and ends at their office desk. Makes a neat paper weight. Awful for dropping on your foot. It's seven inches tall, but if you're really going to splash out you might as well get...
A (life-sized) replica Iron Throne
...the real thing. Well, a 159kg replica. Sculpted from a block of fibreglass, this lounge-filling seat is the ultimate throne from which to watch season five (or any series for that matter). Comes with free delivery, which is helpful.
A Game of Thrones: The Board Game
And you thought Risk took a while to play. The official board game doesn't mess around, with a potential play time of around between two to six hours. Three to 6 players take on the roles of the houses of Westeros, vying for control of the Iron Throne through the use of diplomacy and warfare. Cards, tiles, a massive rule book - this is one for the hardcore fans.
WHITE WALKER by Mike Wrobel
"Darling, who's that?"
"Oh, he's a character from a TV show I really like. It's based on a fantasy book."
"Is he eating an ice lolly? What kind of a book is it?"
"He is, but... it's like a hipster interpretation of the character..."
"What's a hipster?"
Look forward to this and more conversations about your life choices whenever family members come to stay. But for those who know, it is really cool.
The Hound's Helm
This is not a toy. Nor is it a piece of fear-inducing armour capable of being worn into battle. It's best described as a lavish coffee table piece with an operable jaw. Comes with a certificate of authentication, just in case anyone doesn't believe you when you explain how much it cost.
Loras Tyrell Helm
Twice? Maybe three times. We can't quite recall how many times we see Loras Tyrell wearing his helm, but it's so few that we can only imagine the serious Knight of Flowers fans are going to seek out this particular item.
Three-eyed Raven Plush
No, it's not a creature from the darkest caves of Australia. It's a plushie of the three-eyed raven, the irritable bird from the entirely unspectacular adventures of Bron and his band of miserable fellows. You might have never seen him, what with the notorious compulsion viewers have to leave the room to make tea every time Bron's mirthless little face appears...
Game of Thrones chess set
You can't buy this one - but you can make it, thanks to its creator posting his step-by-step build online. The carvings are based on the show's opening heraldic bands (the swooping stuff with the stags on it), while other elements are based on patterns from the show. Yes, it's going to take you a while, but it's better than an IKEA coffee table.
Table of Thrones
We're sure Dmitri Mendeleev would approve of this. The Russain chemist probably didn't have a fantasy series in mind when he formulated the Periodic Law or set about drawing out the first periodic table - but it does justice to his lifetime's research, right? Big fan of dragons, we hear.
Helps you chart the various characters by assigning them to their house and region. Nothing scientific about it - it just looks more fun than a list.
Night’s Watch Oath Canvas
The Game of Thrones equivalent of pledging allegiance to the flag. Great as a concept, ruined by an inexplicable lack of punctuation. They've got phenomenal lung capacity have those Crows.
Robb Stark's sword
It's not just any sword - it's Robb Stark's sword! The one he used to... well, you know, the one he had on his belt a lot. Can't you recognise the entirely nondescript hilt? The ubiquitous pommel? You might want to hang it next to a sign that says "Robb Stark's Sword", just to avoid confusion.
Game of Thrones Living Language Dothraki
M'athchomaroon. Athchomar chomakea. Hash yer dothrae chek asshekh? Oh good. Convince all your friends you've been hitting the hard spirits before 11am by speaking Dothraki to them - an entirely fictional language with fewer than 4,000 words. Easier to learn than Klingon, we've been told...
"Scotch pine and firewood". That's what Winterfell smells like, according to candle makers Frostbeard Studio. Far preferable to the Red Wedding scent: fear, blood and betrayal.
Tyrion Lannister Statue
You know that scene, right? Season two, battle the assault on King's Landing by Stannis Baratheon? In which Peter Dinklage holds this pose for all of about, oh, three seconds? Well now you can immortalise it forever.