Really, supporting a football club is one of the most turbulent relationships that you can have. No matter how bad their behaviour, how terribly they treat you, and how outrageous their demands, back you go week after week, just putting up with whatever is thrown at you.
And you dutifully buy the club shirt each season. And the shorts. And the training top. And the 'casual' apparel. And then the lampshade. And then the swimming inflatables. Hang on... inflatables? Are you serious?
No, even the most dedicated football fan draws the line at ridiculous merchandise somewhere. Here are 21 of the finest examples of utterly ridiculous club-branded products. It's all gone too far.
Related: The 50 Worst Football Kits Ever
Boleyn Ground Foam Hand
This is - quite simply - f**king ludicrous.
When the aliens come down, many centuries from now, and investigate the history of the human race, they will find these foam hands in the shape of a stadium and think: "no wonder they didn't survive - they didn't deserve to".
Chelsea Hub Caps
Really want to get your car smashed up and/or stolen? Well look no further, we have just the thing for you! Available for just £20 from the Chelsea Megastore these branded hubcaps will tell everyone exactly who you support. Particularly useful when attending away games so that thieves know they've got a full 90 minutes to crowbar open that door and make a getaway.
The Balotelli Boot
For mini Marios everywhere, these evoPOWER boots have been made by Puma. Sadly only available in junior sizes, they've got Mario's classic 'why always me?' slogan on the side and a ridiculous mohawk running down the back.
Everton Travel Adaptor
Well, when it comes to getting power in a foreign country I simply will not use any other adapter than my Everton one. Although it's not actually blue and looks suspiciously like a completely normal one, just put in a branded box. £15? Of course I'll take it.
Asprilla Condoms
By the looks of his Twitter account, Tino is a man who enjoys the company of beautiful ladies; so it seem appropriate that he's launched his own range of condoms. To be fair, it's for a good cause: they're aimed to promote good sexual health in his native Columbia.
Fulham Plasters
Particularly useful when you've put your fist through the TV watching the latest lamentable performance from The Cottagers.
The Mohammad Al-Fayed USB Stick
Fulham really know how to squeeze those extra few pounds out of their supporters don't they? You're not a real fan if you don't transport your data around with the Mohammad Al-Fayed USB Stick (2GG), sadly no longer on sale after he left the club. Maybe you can still buy them in Harrods? Oh yeah, he sold that too, didn't he.
Juventus Cat Toys
And you thought Barcelona were the only club that like to play cat and mouse with their opponents. You'll be feline good when your furry friend gets these for Christmas: in fact, they'll be Pirrrrrr(lo)ing like crazy.
Leeds United Armbands
Pretend you're the captain with these stylish buoyancy aids! As your team sink down the table, you'll be staying safely afloat with these bad boys.
Newcastle United Handwarming Gel
Just 50p for two satchets because, let's face it, you won't be warming up those hands by clapping, will you?
Manchester City Bra
If you can give this to a lady and she doesn't punch you in the face, then she's a keeper (not Joe Hart). If she actually wears it, then we'd be slightly worried.
Stoke City Tape Measure
You can find out exactly how tall Peter Crouch is with the official Stoke City tape measure. If the police get called don't blame us, OK?
Club Rubber Ducks
Make bathtime go with a splash with these fantastic rubber ducks that make each animal look like it's been the victim of a particularly appalling episode of genetic mutation.
Liverpool Anfield Shirt
Words almost fail us on this. Almost. It's hideous. That'll do.
Aston Villa Toast Press
Get b-ready for this: it's the Villa toaster. Good job the club from Ewood Park haven't made one or your breakfast would get Blackburnt.
Arsenal Ice Cube Tray
Presumably you'll also need to buy Arsenal-branded gloves in order to take this bad boy out of the freezer. Buy your piece of moulded silicon for just £5 (!) from the Arsenal store. Quality and value.
The QPR Dartboard
Feel free to pin up photos of any of the current squad members and take out your frustrations on them.
West Ham Bin Sticker
For when that normal green colour won't do (well, they'll think you support Hibernian or something), then you absolutely need this bin sticker in your life. Just £12.99 for the privilege of having your bin kicked in by anyone annoyed about the Olympic Stadium deal. And yes, we've avoided making a rubbish joke here. Oh no, now we haven't.
Luis Suarez Bottle Opener
Actually, credit where it's due, this is kind of brilliant. Suarez: never one to bottle a situation.
Manchester United Dummys
Now you can say that United fans officially suck.
Coventry City Ice Scrapers
The question most often asked of any expensive foreign import is invariably, "can they do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke?". Well, the Coventry City ice scraper definitely could. When unbranded ice removal simply won't do, reach for this n-ice little number.
