Hello everyone! How’s it hanging? That’s something they ask you when you’re getting fitted for trousers, isn’t it? And something that you should keep in mind when having a look at some of this week’s best menswear recommendations, particularly the trousers. However, these will not be tailored specifically to you personally, so I’m afraid everyone’s gonna know exactly which way it is, sorry!
Anyway, off you go:
Look, you may look all fancy and flash when you’re sauntering around in the daytime, but once you hit the hay, things go out the window a bit, don’t they? What is it? A faded Deftones t-shirt from 15 years ago and some scrabby old ‘nighttime’ boxer shorts? A smelly ogre you are, in bed.
So why not transform into a beautiful butterfly and purchase a swish pair of pyjamas? These flowery numbers from flowery-number specialists Liberty will help you in that endeavour. No longer will your bed be nicknamed “the pit” by all who see it - they shall now only refer to it as “Kew Gardens”, which is equally as creepy, now I think about it.
Colour block, that’s a trend you’ll probably want to be jumping on. Once the preserve of those funny little multicolured VW Polos you used to see zipping about the shop, now it’s all about getting that on your clothes. And you can go as garish as you want (dress up as that car if you fancy it) but this monochrome piece from Timberland keeps things a little on the quieter end. Also has a whacking great “Timberland” on it in case you want everyone to know that you only wear brands, peasant.
There are three things to notice about this watch, and they are:
1) there is a cute little doggy on the face
2) the date is actually a tiny hat
3) the hat is vastly too small for the dog, so it is wasting its time sniffing it, stupid dog
Simply put, these are nice jeans. Just a lovely pair of dark blue jeans. Sweet bit of denim with classic gold stitching. Put them on your legs and soak up the praise that the public will give you as they pass. Lap it all up, the adulation. Bask in the glory. Notice the gentle sniggering. Hear the faint ridicule. Begin to feel very uncomfortable. Come to the slow realisation that you have ruined the very nice jeans by leaving the flies undone. Again. You have done this again.
Wow, yes. The perfect autumn coat? Very possibly. A beautifully simple blue raincoat that’ll smarten up any outfit. Wear it over casual or smart - you’ll look like you mean business in both cases. Also, thankfully, it’s just long enough that nobody will notice that you’ve got your flies open again.
When I first looked at this shirt I pursed my lips and did an audible “ooooh” sound at my desk. Although it may have appeared to the casual onlooker that maybe my hernia was hurting or something, in fact, this was a good sign. This shirt is a hot damn piece of art, and if I ever see you wearing one, I’ll wink at you, whilst also wearing the shirt (because I have bought it, because it is my favourite), a bit like when Mini-drivers honk their horns at each other.
So, what you can do, is buy this bag for either:
a) someone who likes Vans; or
b) a big old space dork who likes spaceships
Or if, as it happens, you are one or both of those, then you could simply buy one for yourself, you big old space dork who likes skateboards.
More patterned shirts. That should be your motto. Go big, go lairy, just be a whopping great ostentatious fashion-man wearing a big shirt with a load of massive faces on it. Why not? Why would you not do this? There is no discernible reason as to why this would not be a thing you would do. Even if you reckon you couldn’t pull off such a gaudy top, simply layer it underneath something a little more plain, and it’ll tease a sneaky splash of extravagance peeking through - it’s a good look.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - cords. I’ve said it when standing in Maplins, I’ve said it when listening to music and I have also said it when recommending trousers, but it’s the latter we’re interested in here. What I’m saying is get yourself a pair of cords - they’re perfect for autumn and winter, and their boxy fit is where it’s at at the moment. And yes, I realise that the ones above are red, and red trousers are usually reserved for people called Tarquin, but there’s no denying that those babies are very good.
Don’t rush those little beady eyes over this suit too quickly. Have another scan. That, right there, is not your usual suit. It’s buttoned to the top, it’s blocky, the trousers are cropped - this is a 2018 suit, baby! Pop this on next time you need a two-piece and it’ll throw everyone off by being so unique, yet still keep you in check (well, pinstripe) by staying smart. You and your wacky suits, eh? If it’s not that it’s red trousers!