You know the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes? Where a silly king runs about naked because he reckons that nobody can see his fancy new threads because they’re all too stupid? Well, it’s about time we reassessed that story and took it for the baloney that it clearly is. What I’m saying is, buy any of the items below, they’ll make you feel like a king and they will resolutely not be invisible.
Silly bloody fairy tales - nonsense, the lot of them.
Velour track pants, is it? Of course it is, you’re actually going there, and you’re gonna love it.
Difficult to know what wear them with, but when you’re wearing velour track pants it doesn’t actually matter. Maybe try a chunky trainer like an Air Force 1 and let them drape over the top, and (to make things easier) simply team them with a tracksuit top, too (if you can afford it, from Needles as well).
But as I said before, it absolutely does not matter, because you have a pair of velour track pants on, and everyone else can simply do one.
Camo will probably always be in fashion, as will the joke where you shout “HAS ANYONE SEEN PETER?” at Peter, who is wearing a camouflage sweater. Never gets old, no matter what Peter says.
One of the all-time classic jacket styles, a Harrington will slip over just about anything - zip it up, leave it open, its versatility is mostly limitless. And hey, instead of getting a standard black one, why not bring that traditional check pattern from the inside to the outside, with this highly affordable number from New Look? Nice bit of kit, this. Harringtons, get one. Get a Harrington. A Harrington? You should probably get one.
OH MY GOD WHERE HAS YOUR RIGHT LEG GONE PETER?
Oh yes, that right there, is a nice tracksuit. Like you’re on some sort of Olympic team in the ‘80s, if you wear that. It’s either that or people will simply think you’re wearing a very good tracksuit. In my humble opinion, I think both are favourable impressions to give off. Enjoy your newfound fame.
Lovely simple piece from Stone Island, here - chunky bit of lambswool to get you prepared for the winter.
“But how will people know I’m wearing Stone Island if I’m just wearing a lovely simple white sweater?” - You
“Because it’s got that thing on the side remember” - Me
“Phew.” - You, again.
While we’re on the subject of white sweaters, I might as well chuck another one your way, and then also say this: you should have one white sweater. The colours of sweater that you should 100% own, are black, grey and white. Then you can go mad after that. Just make sure you’ve got at least one black, one white and one grey - they are your friends and they will help you decide what to wear when you do not know what to wear. They’ll go with it all.
Then, if you want a pink one with a load of cats’ faces on it or whatever, you can. Just get that one last.
More bright white, very hard-to-keep-clean items now, with a pair of white trainers - the ground-based version of a white sweater, really. In that you need a pair - it’s just something that you should have, and if you don’t you need to rectify it immediately. These ones are perfect for solving your predicament, if you can stomach paying a price like that on a pair of shoes that will soon, not be white. Up to you really, moneybags.
As I previously mentioned, we’re heading towards the freezing embrace of the One They Call The Ice God soon, and as such, it’s probably a good shout to get yourself a sweater with a bit of a neck on it. A crew is all well and good, but when you’re up against a bit of a chill, you’re going to want to make like Wu, and protect your neck. Santa Cruz will sort you out nicely for just that, if you’d be so kind to cast your eyes up a little, and cop a load of that nice panelled sweater they’ve got going on up there.
Would you like to fight about the fact that I’m going a little tracksuit mad this week? Because if you do, I will. However, I urge you not to take up the offer because it would be detrimental to your career progression to have a death on your hands.
Anyway, this is Skepta’s new collaboration with Nike and yes, as expected, it is “a bit of alright”.
Overshirt time again, and you better believe it’s a khaki one, and you also better believe that it’s a sturdy number - you won’t get this caught on the living room door handle and rip a great big hole right in the back, no siree. This’ll stick around for a good while, I rate. Good job then, that a khaki utility shirt doesn’t plan on ever going out of fashion. Like you, if you keep reading this weekly round-up. Loyalty will pay dividends.