Can you believe it? Can you believe that it is August already? No, you cannot, because the last time you checked, it was February! It was absolutely the beginning of the year, and now we are nearing the end - this “life” thing we’re all involved in at the moment, it goes by far too quickly for my liking.
However, and it’s a big HOWEVER, one thing that can distract your rapidly dwindling mind from the unavoidable onset of Mother Time, is clothes. Buy a nice bit of clothing, and it matters not that the universe is expanding, yet we are shrinking, because you’ve got a nice new polo that you can put on and stroll down to the shops in. All your age-related problems have just drifted away! All because of a crisp Lacoste. What a dream.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your stance - which is rather fetching, I might add), you’re going to have to think about what you’ll be wearing once this death-laser-heat-attack finishes, and one very nice thing to wear, when it’s a bit brisk, is a hoodie. This one from Champion and Urban Outfitters is a particularly nice one - largely because it’s red. Red is good, you see, invest in red. Sexy, is red, and don’t you want to be sexy? Of course you do - I’ve seen the way you walk, you big tease!
Sometimes, if you’ve got a plain white or black t-shirt on, it might behoove you to spice the damn thing up a bit, you old bore! And one way you can do that is by draping a statement necklace round your neck to add a bit of jazz. Keep the chain thin though, you’re not an East End heavy or something. Unless of course you are, in which case, wear what you want, and I apologise for insulting you.
That Lacoste polo I was talking about? It’s that one above, there - clean and white with an added Olympic motif inspired by the 1967 Games. There’s no real way you won’t look slick in this. Nice pair of blue casual cropped trousers, white trainers and you’re sorted, mate. I’m jealous of how good you look, actually. What say we do a swapsies on our shirts? You give me yours and I’ll give you mine. Huh? No, that’s not red wine - it’s meant to look like that.
ROLL UP! ROLL UP! COME AND SEE THE MAGNIFICENT BELT THAT LOOKS LIKE A SNAKE! OR IS IT A SNAKE THAT LOOKS LIKE A BELT? BETTER CHECK YOU’RE 100% SURE BEFORE YOU PUT IT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CROTCH! ROLL UP! ROLL UP!
This bag is to be worn across your body, and it is to have things kept within it. What you keep in it is not at all my business, but let me say this - there are certain things you could put in there that will get you in trouble. Put these things in there, and it’s bad news for you, and will probably end with you having to talk to the police. Seriously, I’m talking real bad news for you, because I absolutely LOVE Skittles and I will scratch the eyes out of anyone who dares get in between me and a packet of them. Just a warning, bucko, just… a… warning…
Big watch on your wrist like you used to get. Loadsa buttons and features and - unconfirmed, but - maybe like, the time in New York or something? Who knows - it’s all about functionality, baby, gotta get those functions on your wrist. Also looks like you could clout that thing on a brick wall after slipping on a banana and it wouldn’t break. Functions and armour - only the best for you, butter feet.
Simply a nice orange striped t-shirt, and if you start asking any more questions about it, I shall alert HR.
Wanted to be an astronaut when you were younger, did ya? Didn’t end up going that way though, eh? Stuck at a desk, not in space? Not actually in space, are you, right now? Well then, put this t-shirt on and it’s the next best thing! It’s not, of course - a sky-dive might be closer - but it’ll still maybe convince the odd person that you have a rough connection to NASA in some way. Anyway, space ain’t all it’s cracked up to be - there’s loads of weird stuff there, like sharks. No thanks!
Nice pair of jeans right hurrr, with a shoe-string belt, if you like that kind of thing. You can take it out if you want, but make sure you’ve got the right waist-size, otherwise your jeans might fall down in Tesco!
Similar, related and also recommended tip: wear underwear particularly if browsing the chilled meats section.