Here’s a fun idea for you: have a look at the clothes on this page, and then, because you deserve it, buy one of them.
If you’re a self-confessed Billy Big Bollo, then buy two. Hey, why not throw caution to the wind and buy three? Turn around, touch the ground, bagsy buying four. Seriously, become King Hot Shot of Sex Wallet Valley and buy the whole lot, it is absolutely up to you.
Off you pop:
Long sleeve work shirt by STUSSY (£122)
This is very cool, because it looks a bit like what you might wear if you were working at a convenience store in the ‘90s in America, but you see, instead of an actual name tag, it says Stüssy on it. It’s fun, I like it, and I hope you do to, otherwise we’re going to have yet another argument in the middle of IKEA and I just don’t think I can go through with that kind of public humiliation again. I’m so tired.
Denim work pant by DICKIES (£60)
The work pant, once the preserve of skaters and, well, workers, is seeing itself a little bit of a resurgence of late - and if you’re in the market for a pair, then it would be silly to look further than the originators, Dickies. And you can get them in denim, too, mate. What a bit of fun that is! Nice straight-leg fit with a bit of a turn-up at the bottom so you can show off your Vans. Well done, Fashion Freddie, you denim dog.
Black Ltd. Boxy jacket by RAINS (£149)
Here are two facts for ya:
1) Wet-look hair gel is a bad move
2) Wet-look raincoats are not, it turns out
Sure, you’re taking a bit of a risk with this one, but you’re a trailblazer, and ain’t that what it’s all about? Bang this exciting bit of kit on and you’ll stand out from the crowd, that’s for sure. Particularly if you’ve slathered a load of wet-look gel all over your scalp. Don’t do that, though (see 1).
One Star by CONVERSE X CARHARTT WIP (£90)
Yes, it may be getting perilously close to the season where you should be packing those bright whites away for six months, but hey, coat them in enough Crep Protect and you’re ready to go. Why should this country’s foul and unpredictable weather dictate what you put on your feet? Which God do you pander to? NONE OF THEM! WEAR YOUR WHITE TRAINERS EVEN THOUGH IT’S RAINING - HE’S [insert name here] AND HE DOES WHAT HE LIKES!
Navy Kinibay hoodie by AMERICAN VINTAGE (£95)
Simply a nice blue hoodie. Wear it, be warm, look good, enjoy your life as a result of it. If only everything was this simple. Maybe it is if you wear this hoodie? Try it, it might solve all your problems!*
*Unless one of those problems is debt
Gray and white Basket sneakers by PUMA X HAN KJØBENHAVN (£100)
Remember what I said about white trainers? You can’t let them tell you what to do, buy more white trainers! Buy two pairs and stick one on your hands! Walk on all fours! Get sacked from your job for being a weirdo!
Green and black gingham check overshirt by GRENFELL (£225)
Oh yes, very nice indeed. Subtle check pattern so you don’t look like a lumberjack, sturdy gingham fabric, blocky fit - this is your perfect autumn layering overshirt. It’s the kind of thing that will helpfully navigate the murky and confusing world of “the temperature” that we currently have to contend with during this summer/autumn purgatory. Keep it on if you want. Take it off if you like. Leave it open. Button it up. What a lifesaver.*
*Unless like, you’re in freezing water or something**
**Hope you’re enjoying these footnote gags
Faux suede jacket by RESERVED (£49.99)
As a personal fan of the faux-suede jacket, I must put my money where my large trap is, and recommend one to you. It’s cheaper than real suede (and no animals have their heads kicked off because of it) and looks just as good - as is evidenced in the above jacket, which comes in a classic light brown shade and robust fit.
This jacket should be worn by you, did you know this? This should be worn by you if you want to look good. It’s so very simple, to look good, and all it requires is for you to wear this jacket. All those years looking like an idiot, and all you needed was this. What a waste.
Green Mard trousers by WEEKDAY (£45)
These lovely trousers have it all going on - pleats, crops, tapers - they’re really packing all the trends into these ones. This is probably why they look so good, I reckon. They also come in a load of different colours, but if you get the beige ones then we are going to have a disagreement because they’re the ones I want and we’re gonna look a right pair in IKEA next week. Cue another public argument, I guess.
19.5l Retreat backpack by HERSCHEL SUPPLY CO (£80)
I suppose you don’t often think about what your back looks like - that’s why you can always get one over your peers by sticking a “KICK ME” Post-it Note on their spine. So maybe it’s time you stopped neglecting the least-popular side of your body by slamming a sick backpack over it, like this big dog from back-appreciators Herschel. You can also put things in it too, if you want. Like Post-it Notes and a pen.