It’s June, everyone, and you know what that means! It means: not only are we one step closer to death, we are also in a new month, which means you are allowed to buy at least one new item of clothing to celebrate.
And with June being the second-best month, that’s an even better excuse to slap down some dough on a very considered (thank us later) purchase. Here are some nudges for you:
Rain, rain, go away, come again another day. Stupid, reckless rhyme for colossal morons, that, because rain should absolutely not come back another day. Still, it will, and it does, so you might as well be prepared for it. A poncho doesn’t really cut it in today’s fashion-conscious landscape (this ain’t Disneyland, you child), so you’re going to be wanting a nice understated anorak to keep those shoulders dry. This muted jacket from Rains is the perfect choice - just look at it up there, keeping a ghost dry.
“What time is it?” says your mate.
“I have no idea because I do not have a watch. My life is a mess.” says you.
Sort it out and slap one round your wrist then. A nice, smart, simple, silver piece like this from noted watch-obsessives Swatch will do just “the trick”. Should said trick be “telling the time”, of course. You’ll need a magic wand if you want to go invisible or something.
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Stands for: More Nice Nikes.
Duffel bags are either very boring or very disgusting. There’s nothing we can do from stopping it turning disgusting (stop putting wet clothes in it, for Peter’s sake), but we can certainly push you in the direction of an un-boring one. This BBC one spins a little space yarn as it hangs by your side, and will stand out in the correct way for the sixth months it takes for it to stand out in the wrong way. Please just keep it clean, you ape.
Yes, seersucker, that’s where it’s at - if not just for having something to fiddle with and run those un-worked fingers of yours over while you’re sitting down. Lovely texture, has seersucker - and adding it to shorts gives what is often one of the most bland items of clothing, a little bit of that all-elusive personality. Feels a dream on the old pins too, mate.
Stands for: A Rather Stylish Backpack If We Do Say So Ourselves.
Suede shoes - yeah, a risk on par with doing a slackline across Niagra Falls. One wayward step and everything’s over. But if you can guarantee the shoe’s safety, then hoo boy, you’ve got yourself a smart pair of sneakers right there.
Treat them to a ten minute Crep Protect shower, basically. You can never be too careful.
It’s cotton, but it looks like denim. So you get the style without the heaviness - nice and airy, but you still look like an American tough guy. Well done, you have successfully pulled the wool over your detractors’ eyes, and also your pits are dry. A day of personal victory for you - bottoms up!
Feel bad about flicking up that wallet into the air, then booting a couple of notes out into the ether, all because of a t-shirt? Well don’t, because if you whip it out for this tee, then half of your dosh is hurtling towards the artist, and the other is slipping neatly into the post box of Amnesty International. Your conscience is clear.
Brown chinos? Are we suggesting you drop it all and become a geography teacher? We’re not (but it’s fine if that’s what you want to do), because these River Island chinos have jazzed a stale item up into the skies by dashing an on-trend side-stripe into the mix. So if you were to become a geography teacher, you’d be the coolest hot darn Geog Teach of them all.
Jokes* aside though, these are nice aren’t they?
*Apologies, geography is no joke