The Thieves: South London's newest pub that really steals the show

After months of London pub closures and “for lease” signs, it’s refreshing to have a story that doesn’t end with a lock on the door. The Thieves, the latest project from Laine Pub Co, has swung open its doors in Battersea, reimagining the much-loved Four Thieves site as something far bolder, to an all-singing, all-dancing venue with cabaret, old school arcades and more.

It’s part pub, part arcade, part cabaret club, and absolutely not the kind of place you “just pop in for one.”

It's a big space with 500 capacity and even bigger promises, but we went down to see if it could deliver on the hype. By the end of the night, my partner and I had raced RC cars, lost at darts, been serenaded by drag queens, and sung The Streets badly enough to scare the mic into retirement. The Thieves, it turns out, has its groove back.

First impressions: Pub meets party lab

Walk in and you’re met with the familiar hum of a pub, but one that’s had too many espressos. There’s exposed brick and glossy tiles that nod to Battersea’s history, but the energy is pure theatre. On our visit, it was Bangers and Clangers night: drag performers worked the crowd, an MC hyped up karaoke downstairs, and a fella in a lycra strutted past like he owned the place.

It’s not blind chaos, it’s curated chaos. The Laine Pub Co have built a reputation for turning ordinary boozers into immersive playgrounds, and here they’ve nailed it, once again.

Upstairs: The Thieves’ Gambit

The top floor, The Thieves’ Gambit, is where nostalgia goes to sweat. It’s a neon-lit arcade bar packed with games you’ll pretend you’re “just trying once.” There’s everything from interactive darts and Guitar Hero arcade machine to a colossal Mario Kart Arcade GP. But the star attraction, and the source of our loudest debates, was the RC racing.

Complete with an MC narrating your laps like it’s Formula One. The whole thing lasts maybe ten minutes, but it’s ten minutes of pure giddy chaos. I drove terribly; my partner drove slightly less terribly; both of us left convinced the track was rigged. And were a little relieved we'd opted to get the train there...

Between rounds, we perched at the upstairs bar which is slightly smaller than the main one, but still impressively stocked. Aperol Spritzes flowed freely, spirits gleamed on the back wall, and the staff were unflappable, even on a busy night like this one.

Downstairs: Drag, karaoke, and controlled mayhem

Back downstairs, Bangers and Clangers night was still in full, glorious swing. The crowd was a heady mix: twenty-somethings standing by the bar, older locals clutching cocktails, drag queens doing crowd work, and everyone in between. It’s genuinely one of the most inclusive, warm atmospheres we’ve found in London nightlife lately.

There’s a proper stage area for cabaret, comedy, and live music, with House of Dinosaur and Twisted Time Machine programming the events. Even on an opening night, you could feel the rhythm of what this place will become, a constant cycle of themed nights, brunches, and live acts that’ll make sure no two visits are ever the same.

We ducked into the karaoke room next in the basement, a plush, private space that feels like someone’s eccentric living room. No sticky floors, no dodgy mics. Just a touchscreen, good sound, and enough privacy to unleash your inner Mike Skinner without shame.

Food, drinks and breathing room

The food here is handled by Balans, known for serving serving everything from Pad Thai to truffle-fried chicken. We didn’t eat, but judging by the menu it’s far more than token pub grub. It’s the sort of menu you’d actually plan dinner around.

Despite the size of the venue, it never felt cramped. Even packed, the layout gives you breathing space, whether you’re dancing, gaming, or hiding in the garden for a quiet minute. It was roasting when we arrived, but within half an hour, staff had the temperature sorted. Efficient, friendly, and clearly proud to show off the place.

The verdict: A new playground

The Thieves is the kind of venue that London needs right now, unpretentious, ambitious, and just plain fun. It’s part pub, part carnival, and completely impossible to categorise.

We went as a couple, which suited us perfectly — but that might be The Thieves’ greatest strength. It’s just as good for date night as it is for a night out with your mates, especially when you’ve got a mixed group and want everyone to click.

You could spend a whole night here: start with a quiet drink, drift upstairs for games, get dragged into karaoke, and finish in the garden, swearing you’ll be home by midnight. Spoiler alert: you probably won’t be.

You can check it out now at 51 Lavender Gardens, London, SW11 1JW.

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