If you missed Being Liverpool, the fly-on-the-wall documentary that uncovered the secrets of Anfield do not fret. It's about to come out on DVD! That's one Christmas present sorted for all you Liverpool fans then, eh?
But one thing the six-part documentary didn't uncover was why such a prestigious club should have been home to such a veritable smorgasbord of hairstyles? It wasn't something we were prepared to shy away from. No siree.
Team-mates might have laughed at his girly name, but they weren’t laughing at Scott’s not-so-hidden coiffeur-cum-culinary talents: that’s right Scott’s barnet was so greasy it was adept at rustling up a full English every morning. Oh, they were simpler times back in the early years of the 20th Century.
Wembley Wizard Tom Bradshaw was a no-nonsense defender from the old school – just look at that crooked nose: it’s more bent than a boozer full of scallies. His haircut was suitably simple. A short, back and sides for this chap. No braids, Mohawk or perm for this fella.
Tommy Smith’s just-so parting is not a million miles from the style sported by other Sixties luminaries to hail from Liverpool – the mop top Beatles. However, Smith’s early attempts at popularising the movement latterly known as Movember ruin the look.
The quintessential Liverpool haircut from the late Seventies and early Eighties. Why these exemplars of unconstructed masculinity – and Kevin Keegan – decided to copy the chosen hairstyle of a million and one bored housewives is a question that will long vex the finest minds of this generation.
Keegan’s old mucker went one step better than Mighty Mouse. He had the ‘tache to accompany the bubble perm. It still looks ridiculous, mind. Not that we’re gonna be the ones to break it to him. He knows it doesn’t he? Goes back to look at picture. Yep, he knows it. No need to go over old rubbish.
There are those that say King Kenny is without a sense of humour – and we doubt the manner of his departure from Anfield at the end of last season put a smile on his face. But look at this haircut. Just look at it. And then tell us he doesn’t know how to put a smile on people’s faces. Nice one, Kenny.
Picking on those afflicted with the ginger curse is neither big nor clever. Carrot tops should be admired for their ability to withstand tired stereotypes concerning their fiery temper and what not. But, bejesus, what led to this monstrosity atop Super Sub David Fairclough’s head? It’s about 17 different styles perched on one man’s bonce. And it’s ginger. Enough already…
Jimmy Case was one of the finest midfielders of his generation. His paltry return of one England Under-21 cap scant regard for his creative skills and vision. The same cannot be said, however, for the manner in which he presented himself to the world. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. This silky bouffant is not.
He looks as though butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Anyone with half an interest in Association Football knows different. So, much like his contemporary Terry McDermott, we are not going to tell legendary hardman Graeme Souness that his haircut resembles a not-very-alluring Seventies porn star. Both male and female.
Some say that football has sold its soul to the devil post-1992, and yet, And Yet, AND YET… no longer do we have hooliganism or Carlton Palmer. Today, we get adventurous haircuts like Abel Xavier’s lusciously bleached cornrows. If that’s not progress then we don’t know what is.
Louise Redknapp’s better half was one of the original Spice Boys – those Liverpool players seduced by good times and white suits in the mid-Nineties. His haircut however, seems to owe more to activities down the East Lancs Road. Look, it’s the feted Happy Mondays’ curtains cut. He’s gonna step on/over you again.
David James has had more ‘colourful’ hairdon’ts than you’ve had sex. Honestly. We did the maths. It wasn’t even close. At Liverpool he is fondly remembered for his bleached blonde buzz cut. Talk about bringing some testosterone back to proceedings and then buggering it up at the last minute. A metaphor for James' career? We think so.
Stevie G is a man cut from the same cloth as the aforementioned Elisha Scott and Tom Bradshaw. No ridiculous hair affectations for Mr Liverpool, who despite his millions looks as though he’s down Bill’s Barbers once a week for his manly trim.
Oh, Andy. Just when we thought we’d come full circle, up you jump with your ponytail flapping about in the air. Ponytails hadn’t been seen on menfolk in Liverpool since the closure of Cream. We don’t think they were missed. Probably explains why Carroll is languishing on loan to West Ham as we type.
(Images: Getty, PA, Rex Features)