Isle Of Dogs is a film destined for success. It is from Wes Anderson, it has Bryan Cranston in, it’s stop-motion and IT IS ABOUT DOGS. It’s the last point that’s most salient, for unless you are a particular brand of evil, you love dogs. I think even if you’re allergic to them - a mere whiff of dog hair sending you into a deadly anaphylactic episode - you still love them, right? It’s not their fault you’re in an ambulance, it’s the fault of your shoddy gene pool.
So yeah, I am excited about this dog-movie, and so should you be. Need more convincing? Well, here’s a pretty brilliant, Creature Comforts-esque interview video with the main cast that I think you should definitely watch all or some of, immediately:
And it got me thinking (WOAH! WATCH OUT!) about which one of those dogs is the best one. Which dog, out of the main dogs in Isle Of Dogs, is the coolest, wickedest dog that I would like to be mates with? So I went ahead and had that thought (DUCK!) and then ranked them from worst to best:
First, let me preface this with: I am not saying that Rex is a bad dog - far from it - I just feel that he is the ‘least good’ of all the dogs. There’s not much difference here - it is an entirely arbitrary scale that I wouldn’t read too much into if I were you.
Anyway Rex is first on the list because I feel he may be a bit of a ‘square’, if you catch my drift.
No disrespect to you, King - again, I must stress that you are not a bad dog - but I just don’t think you’re saying as much as everyone else. You have a nice moustache and a lovely scruff, but it’s a competitive market we’re dealing with. Also I don’t know who is doing your voice.
What I like about Boss is that he wears cool Baseball tops and stuff, but I feel this might be to distract us from the fact that Boss is a very normal boy. He’s just a mutt, ain’t he? A nice mutt, but a mutt all the same.
Duke looks like a right laugh, in my book (which is called Which Dogs Look Like A Right Laugh and is available in all good pet shops), and also he has Jeff Goldblum’s voice, which is a very good and sought-after thing indeed. Oh and Duke is an extremely good name, for dogs and humans alike. Even a cat, if you want.
Look at those ears! What I wouldn’t give to have svelte hairy ears like that, that I could waft around the discoteque, enchanting the punters with my furry helix display. If there’s any downside, it’s that I feel she may be a little too groomed for someone who lives in a dump. I get disappointed when my talking dog movies are not realistic enough.
What a beautiful pair of dreamy blue eyes Spots has, I could stare into them all day. Which I do not recommend, by the way, for staring a dog directly in the eyes for an unbroken period of time often provokes it to attack. I found this out during my day-trip to the nearby junkyard last summer. It was sitting on a swivel chair I wanted, the punk.
You’d think that Bryan Cranston’s voice coming out of a dog’s mouth would immediately earn it the top spot (ha, spot) in a list of cool dogs, but we’re only just in the top three here. That’s a lot of cool dogs. Isle Of Cool Dogs, they should have called it.
Yes, this is what we call a good dog. A tiny little idiot with big eyes and a stupid nose - what a bozo! I would like this dog to be in my house, running around, banging into patio windows - what a constant source of enjoyment. That is, of course, until the nits take hold and it must be offloaded at Battersea to ruin someone else’s life.
There it is - the greatest, most majestic, most one-eyed dog you’ve ever seen. You could get a lovely old hug off Jupiter - make no mistake - but you could also get a massive old fight off him, too. Jupiter is the best dog in Isle Of Dogs and there is no disputing this fact, unless of course we’re dealing with a Milkshake Duck scenario and he did something problematic when he was a puppy, but let’s not think about that right now. All hail King Jupiter, the one-eyed pensioner that lives in the sewer! I want that one, Mummy!
See for yourself when it hits cinemas on 30th March. I’m right though.
(Image: 20th Century Fox)