By
Holly Pyne
published
Word to the wise: don’t be a bitch and whatever you do don’t owe Rhianna money.
This advice comes after the video premiere for the pop songstress's video for Bitch Better Have My Money, a seven minute romp of flesh, violence, kidnapping, drug use and one very special cameo.
Here we present a rundown of its ridiculousness. And you can watch the video at the bottom.
A box - how mysterious.
Rich woman does rich things.
Rhianna pulls up, presumably straight from the Shut Up And Drive video
The two women meet in a lift. Rihanna appears to be dressed like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. With a huge suitcase that is...
Now full of 'rich woman.' The dog seems absolutely fine with all of this.
Two helpers lift her into the car and Rihanna smokes because she's the original Bad Gurl or something.
And now they're on an a road trip with a naked kidnapped woman. Morally there are quite a lot of things going wrong right now.
Annnnnd the kidnapped woman is now swinging around half-naked in some abandoned shack looking like Jaws.
Part of us wonders if Rihanna is trying to make this 'awkward sexy.' It's mostly just awkward.
Rhianna: 'I knew we should have brought the people carrier. Far bigger trunk space.'
Who uses payphones anymore? Oh that's right - kidnappers making ransom demands.
At this point said victim is probably less perturbed about being kidnapped and more worried about her chief captor is singing songs to an imaginary audience.
Great, now the car's on fire, but don't worry because...
THEY'RE ON A BOAT!
A rather big boat. Is this the normal protocol for a kidnapping?
Ri-Ri's on a phone again. Furious.
But not as livid when as she'll be back on dry land when the sheriff turns up.
She's quickly knocked unconscious and the girls go all Weekend At Bernie's.
Oh no - the cop is back, quick hide the kidnapped rich lady
Ri-Ri carefully picks her weaponry (including a chainsaw) and mulls over her next move. Consummate pro she is.
WHAT THE HELL? THE BITCH IS MADS MIKKELSEN, HANNIBAL HIMSELF!
It all make sense now! (It doesn't).
She kills him. Then again, he probably ate people anyway.
But she finally gets her money and sits in the box - you know, the one from the start, remember? The one that looks like it's been lifted from Old Boy? Yeah, that one.
YouTube
