The new season is nearly here and fans are prepping their vocal chords with honey and lemon, stretching out their middle-fingers, and prepping their calves for nearly a year of jumping out of their seats.
Last year we ranked all of the worst fans in the Premier League and now we’re back at square one and everyone’s back to taking themselves much too seriously. So, since there are a couple of fresh faces, we’re here to help remind you who’s who, by way of intentionally reductive – and therefore easy to remember – stereotypes for every single Premier League team’s fans.
ARSENAL
How they see themselves: Beloved raconteurs and social media mavens with a deep understanding of the modern game.
What everyone else sees: Accountants and precocious children.
BOURNEMOUTH
How they see themselves: The hard-up supporters of Europe’s pluckiest club.
What everyone else sees: A team people only remember exist when it’s their turn to play them.
BRIGHTON & HOVE
How they see themselves: Well-educated sophisticates.
What everyone else sees: A chance to go to the seaside and say, “Am I fuck paying six quid for a jackfruit bap.”
BURNLEY
How they see themselves: Not actually that bleak and one of the country’s oldest, proudest clubs.
What everyone else sees: Alastair Campbell and crushing, unending bleakness.
CHELSEA
How they see themselves: Loyal fans who slipped Dennis Wise and lucked into the British archetype for the modern, super-rich mega club.
What everyone else sees: Glory-hunting Tories.
CRYSTAL PALACE
How they see themselves: Die-hard ultras who will never, ever, ever stop singing. Never ever.
What everyone else sees: Aggravating lads who buy flares off Amazon.
EVERTON
How they see themselves: The real Liverpool.
What everyone else sees: The crap Liverpool.
HUDDERSFIELD TOWN
How they see themselves: The very definition of ‘happy to be here’.
What everyone else sees: Yeah, that.
LEICESTER CITY
How they see themselves: Proof that Gabrielle was right: dreams can come true.
What everyone else sees: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha *deep breath* hahahahahahaha.
LIVERPOOL
How they see themselves: A fallen giant that will win the lot this season, they swear.
What everyone else sees: A great night out ruined when someone makes a joke about slipping.
MAN CITY
How they see themselves: The true Manc club who the billions won’t change.
What everyone else sees: Noel Gallagher standing in a VIP box eating lobster tail.
MAN UNITED
How they see themselves: Hated, adored, never ignored.
What everyone else sees: Remember when Fergie said Phil Jones could be the best player in the club’s history?
NEWCASTLE
How they see themselves: *plays ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’ by Thin Lizzy*
What everyone else sees: Pissed, shirtless, cold.
SOUTHAMPTON
How they see themselves: A revered club in a beautiful part of the country, with fans once voted the best singers in the league.
What everyone else sees: Portsmouth 2.0.
STOKE CITY
How they see themselves: Inspiring “genuine admiration for the volume of the club’s loyal support” (their actual words).
What everyone else sees: Fair play; there’s not a lot else going on in Stoke, is there?
SWANSEA CITY
How they see themselves: The pride of bloody Wales!
What everyone else sees: Fans that only turn up because the Swansea rugby team is shite.
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
How they see themselves: The thinking-man’s club in London.
What everyone else sees: Interminably gobby success-avoiders.
WATFORD
How they see themselves: Graham Taylor’s Golden Boys.
What everyone else sees: That town that incorrectly reckons it’s in London and the fact that Elton doesn’t come around much any more.
WEST BROM
How they see themselves: Frank Skinner.
What everyone else sees: Adrian Chiles.
WEST HAM
How they see themselves: “We won the World Cup!”
What everyone else sees: “Yeah, but you didn’t, though, did you?”
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