This one goes out to all the men who are tired of pooping in the same old way. The guys sick of shitting with both feet flat on the floor. The samurai are here to up your dump game.
Will Black of the website The Art of Manliness is a self-confessed Japanese obsessive/samurai autodidact and, in his research, found some incredibly eye-opening new techniques for going for a number two, learned from samurai masters who never stopped training, adopting the art of zanshin or “continuing mind”:
One specific master, Black said, had a method “for relieving oneself [that] had been passed down for generations untold.”
“When one would go to the outhouse, he would remove his right leg fully from his clothes. This was to give him full mobility. Yes, it would be odd to fight someone off when you were on the john, but imagine your feet being tied together when you were attacked on said john vs. your legs moving freely.”
“Secondly was body position and posture. The samurai would sit squarely on the seat, cross his leg so that his right ankle rested on his left knee (his left foot remained on the ground), place a hand on each knee, then straighten his back. Supposedly this aligns the bowels to help one from having to strain… If you have ever felt like there is a plumbing issue when you sit down, then pay attention. Take your time, have some patience, and you will get the yoga version of Draino on your system that has been passed down from samurai warlords of old. I have literally felt a swirling sensation during the act of evacuation. Try it out to see for yourself.”
So try… uh, yeah, try it out for yourself.
Not me though, for I have hamstrings brittle as breadsticks and if I tear something while going about my business, I’d fully just sit there forever and accept my fate, waiting, hoping for death or repaired muscular tissue, whichever came first, rather than struggle my way out of the cubicle and calling for help. But you? Man, you need to continue your mind and continue to strive towards more properly aligned bowels. You can do this. I believe in you and your arsehole.
(Main Image: Flickr / dhlynsky)