Butchies: the Buffalo Hyde
Food is confusing. A buffalo steak is made from buffalo meat, but there’s none of that in buffalo mozzarella - only milk from the bovine in question - and buffalo sauce contains nothing sourced from said creature at all. Their existence is nought but a series of endless bafflements. There’s buffalo sauce aplenty in this buttermilk chicken, buffalo sauce and blue cheese ranch sandwich, where all the meat comes from chickens, all the milk comes from cows, and no buffalos are involved in the slightest. Exhausting.
Heliot Steak House: the Savoury Donut Burger
Putting a burger in a doughnut might seem appropriate if you’re a “chef” or “food person”, “employed” to “create” “dishes”, but here in the real world it’s surely the behaviour of a lunatic, the equivalent of putting a Kit-Kat in a hot dog bun or building a toothpaste pie. The type of person who puts a burger in a doughnut doubtlessly applies the same inconsistency to the rest of their life - keeping their shoes in the freezer, sleeping on a bed of eggs under a broken-off car door, marrying their wall.
All Star Lanes: The Dude
Poaching an egg is one of those skills that you don’t miss if you don’t have it, but once you do have it you use it all the time. It’s like Siri in that way, or human flight - if you learned to fly. Within a matter of weeks you’d be using it to get everywhere and wondering how you ever coped without it. Someone at All Star Lanes apparently has the ability to poach eggs, hence their inclusion (along with chorizo and sriracha mayo) in The Dude. That is so much better than the ability to poach elephants, which is immoral, regrettable and awful.
Red Rooster at the Curtain Hotel: Chicken and Biscuit Sliders
America’s weird, isn’t it? They do things differently there. They put hard Rs on things, shoot each other for fun and have foods that don’t exist here, like grits and Twinkies, plus some that are just going totally undercover, like biscuits. Over here, a biscuit is a Digestive or a Bourbon or a Hob-Nob, a sweet thing you dip in your tea and eat too many of at your nan’s house, while over there it’s a scone-like floury thing often served with gravy and found inside Red Rooster’s chicken sliders. If you poured Bisto over a cream tea in Britain you’d be rightfully jailed, while on the other side of the pond it’s a cornerstone of an entire cuisine.
Mac & Wild: Scotch Egg Burger
“Hello? Police? We’d like to report some madlads!” Mac & Wild have combined to of their most popular dishes, the Veni-Moo burger and the Haggis Scotch egg, to create a gooey goliath. You’ll need each of your eight hands to conquer this one: a venison Scotch Egg patty, duck egg, haggis mac’n’cheese melt, candied bacon, XO ketchup and green mayo, served between a buttery brioche bun.
GBK: the Prawn Star
Prawns, yo. They’re unsettling creatures, aliens of the deep, the source of flamingos’ pinkness and the namesake of an anti-extraterrestrial epithet in South Africa in that one film. They look like monsters, because they are monsters, submarine crustaceans with shiny demonic exoskeletons. Nothing else starts off grey then goes pink when it’s cooked - what kind of ass-backwards existence is that? Unnatural lunacy. Good news, then, that two have been killed and lightly battered (not battered heavily enough, batter them harder, they deserve battering) to sit atop a beef patty in GBK’s lovely bun. Devour the hellspawn.
Aquavit: the Skagenburger
Nordic countries do things differently - somehow they’ve developed lifestyles where, despite spending half the year in all-pervading darkness, they regularly come out of massive UN surveys as being the happiest places in the world. Sure, they pay eye-watering amounts of tax, but in return are safer, healthier and more trusting of one another than we are. Get a taste of that happiness with the Skagenburger, a beef patty with Västerbotten cheese, smoked mustard, sauteed onions and Norwegian shrimp.
Patty & Bun: the Ari Gold
It sounds like an adorable cartoon about a little girl and her dog, but Patty & Bun of course owes its name to the component parts of a burger. It’s a naming convention that has done very well for double-acts over the years, from Laurel & Hardy to drum’n’bass. Appropriately, they’re offering discounts on two burgers today, the vegetarian Dig It mushroom fritter burger with garlic parsley butter, and the Ari Gold cheeseburger complete with pickled onions and their smokey signature mayo.
Barbecoa: Bao Bao Baby
A question that has troubled philosophers for centuries - which came first, the chicken or the egg? - is answered with the arrival of this burger, which turns up containing both of them at once. The chicken is smoked and slathered in Korean barbecue sauce with roasted chilli mayo, and cucumber kimchi pickle, and the egg is a duck’s one on top of that lot. National Burger Day, hungrily answering unanswerable philosophical conundrums since 2013.