Kanye West still wants to run for President, it turns out. I like to imagine that Kanye West doesn’t have a brain - it’s just another Kanye head inside his skull. No organs, just variations on Kanye West - like, his intestines are just one long Kanye; his blood? Well, that’s just loads of little Kanyes running around his veins. Kanye is made of Kanyes, and I feel that this is why he is the way he is. All he can think about, or do, is Kanye. This is why he wants to run for President, I think.
We know this (the President thing, not the biological theory I put forward just now), because in a recent interview with Chicago’s Power 92 radio station, he said the following:
“If I decide to do it, it will be done. I’m not gonna try.”
“One of my main things, once I’m president, is the medical industry. I’m gonna make sure that the medical industry flourishes.
“Trump ain’t fucking up the paper. Those jobs are up … I don’t know all the policies. I don’t agree with everything that any other man does, period.
“And I’m not particularly left or right. I thought of a name for my party I’d run with: the Birthday Party.”
So yeah, whatever. But imagine it, though, actually imagine it - what would it ACTUALLY be like if Kanye West was president? What would happen to America, and thus the world?
Well, any one of these scenarios could, and probably would, happen:
His Twitter account will be worse than Trump’s
Trump, as the president, likes to punch his puny fingers onto a keyboard and tweet, doesn’t he? Loves to really just get stuff out there, by spewing a plume of tripe onto Twitter, because he’s the real president. One who can relentlessly pump a torrent of nonsense onto the internet, most of it in capitals, because this - he believes - is important, and the way to run a country.
Know who else enjoys a twitter outburst? That’s right, our boy Kanye. He loves a good diatribe and Lordy does he love the capitals (“BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD”), so if he ever made it to the coveted spot of King Ruler of the United States and Americas, we can only assume he’d use the opportunity to up his Twitter followers and bang out a bunch more stupid steamed baloney into the ether.
Chances of this happening: 100%, because it is literally happening right now
No other political candidates will ever be able to finish their speeches
You know when you’re trying to be president, and you’ve got to go up against other people, and you’ve got to do “speeches” and stuff, and you’ve got to let other people talk? Well, you don’t if you’re Kanye.
If his opposition is putting forward an argument, he can simply say “Imma let you finish, but I had one of the best campaign speeches of all time”, and then simply not let them finish. A solid political tactic really. Absolute interruption, unconditional absence of decorum, total and utter command of chutzpah. Similar to how Trump likes to operate really.
Chances of this happening: 100%, can you imagine Kanye letting anybody else actually speak while in the same room as him? No. No, you cannot.
Everyone’s getting sacked
Kanye doesn’t answer to anybody, but even if you’re The Prez, you’ve still gotta consult other people to an extent. Kanye though, nope - anyone even close to his level is getting the boot. Kanye makes the rules, then implements them, and no stuffy old advisor in a suit is going to stand in his tiny-flip-flopped way.
Unless of course they’re Kim Kardashian, or at a push… John Legend and Bon Iver. Really though, it’s all her. She’s the only person in the world who has any sort of authority over Kanye. She’ll be by his side at all times, in a desperate and probably thankless role as his immediate duct tape. If he’s about to say something terrible, it’s up to her to button his chops, or else represent and apologise for him at the subsequent press conference.
Chances of this happening: 80%, because maybe there’s the possibility of some sort of immediate impeachment if he did sack everyone, a learning from the mistakes of the previous government.
Some mad old laws are getting introduced, you better believe it
Kanye West in charge? Actually, fully, literally in charge? That’s an unstable climate, right there. Suddenly decides he hates water bottles? Ban them. Not keen on big assed striped scarves? Ban them. Hate Beck? Ban him. Like Beck again? Un-ban him. Not wearing a pair of Yeezys on a Tuesday? 10 years in prison it is.
What you are and aren’t allowed to do in America would be a constantly fluctuating wave of confusing peaks and troughs. On the plus side, he would at least keep you on your toes.
Chances of this happening: 60%, he’s going to throw a hell of a lot of ideas at the wall, and you know at least a couple of them will stick. Much like he is doing now, actually.
He’ll keep Trump… around?
Weirdly, Kanye actually likes Trump - they’ve had meetings and shook hands and probably laid down some bars in the studio together - so it would make sense that they’d continue to “KEEP AMERICA GREAT” together. Keep Don on speed dial for emergencies: “What does this big red button do?” etc. “I don’t know, press it” etc.
Chances of this happening: 70%, Kanye loves a flight of fancy and is very prone to changing his mind about things on a whim. Chances are he’ll hate Trump in a month or so, so it entirely depends on what mood he’s in as to whether he’ll get that straw-haired high-trouser on the blower for advice. He might have a new best mate by then, anyway. Probs Putin or someone nice like that.
He ain’t gonna dress for the occasion, that’s for sure
Of course he’s still going to be dressed like a stupid nonsense-man at any given opportunity, the Chances of this happening are, to utilise an erroneous phrase: one-hundred-million per cent.
Anyway, ENJOY YOUR NEW WORLD ORDER, SUCKERS!