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Football's 10 Finest Fan Rants

Football's 10 Finest Fan Rants

Football's 10 Finest Fan Rants
18 August 2013

The highlight of the opening day of the Premier League season won't have been seen live by many, but now, thanks to Youtube almost half a million have enjoyed it. It comes courtesy of one irate Arsenal fan who took to Arsenal Fan TV to express his displeasure at the team's 1-3 home defeat at the hands of Aston Villa and their failure to retain or sign players before the season's curtain raiser. This. Is. Wonderful. (Colourful language warning)

But, of course, the football fan rant is nothing new. Far from it. Here's 9 other examples of where supporters have voiced their concerns with a lack of measure...

Fan supports: Coventry City

Set the scene: Sky Blues fan, ‘Dan’ left his side’s Johnstone's Paint Trophy northern area final clash with Crewe, in February, a couple of minutes before the end while his side were drawing 0-0. Ignorant of the two goals Coventry then bagged in his absence he called a lcoal radio phone-in to moan about the "draw".

Best moment: DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN!

Fan supports: Norwich

Set the scene: The Canaries are relegated from The Championship and doomed to League One football. But it's not Delia's fault. Oh no.

Best moment: Use of the word 'regulate', instead of 'relegate'. You're not Warren G, mate.

Speaking of Delia...

Fan supports: Not only supports, but is the major shareholder of Norwich

Set the scene: It's halftime during The Canaries' 3-2 home defeat to Man City. Delia decides the fans aren't putting the effort in and takes to the mic to record one of the most excruciating rant-cum-rallying cries in living memory

Best moment: Five words in, when she can't say 'football' and you realise she may just have had a drink. Or nine.

Fan supports: Lee is a West Ham. And Terry is a West Ham fan.

Set the scene: Chelsea are in the Europa League and two "happy" Hammers differ on whether they should support their London rivals.

Best moment: The phrase "Let's 'ave it straight" gets funnier every time.

Fan supports: "Young English talent"

Set the scene: Not sure we can. This guy is angry with Andy Brassell and I don't think anyone knows why.

Best moment: Stick with this. About one minute in the fan's insistence on calling Andy Brassell, "Andy Brassell" (his full name) is glorious. He does it again later on, too. What a superstar.

Fan supports: The use of the word 'football' to describe association football, not American football.

Set the scene: The German dude who was responsible for this incredible daddy long legs rant, turns his ire on the NFL.

Best moment: "FEET-BALL!"

And speaking of American football...

Fan supports: Cleveland Browns

Set the scene: The hurt gets too much for one NFL fan who takes a camera to the stadium at night to vent. Over a million YouTube viewers have now joined him.

Best moment: The last 4 words.

Fan supports: Former Man United midfielder turned pundit and Red Devils superfan is more than a little prone to a radio rant. Two highlights include the moment he angrily denied Alex Ferguson's departure from Old Trafford, hours before Alex Ferguson's departure from Old Trafford, and this moment...

Set the scene: On Radio 5 Live Crerand is asked whether footballers should celebrate in front of opposing fans. Not sure that's what he hears. Or wants to hear.

Best moment: "Is this a publicity stunt? Ask me a sensible question and don't talk stupid, asking me daft questions about whether fans should celebrate or not."


Fan supports: Grimsby Town

Set the scene: It's not just radio or film camera that fans use to vent. When Poojah, a Mariners fan, could no longer contain his anger at the team's poor performance he decided to write his feelings in an open letter and post it online.

Best moment: "Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket"

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and w**king furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little p***flaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely f**k all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate b**tards; leave this club now and don’t you f**king dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrotum, so frankly you can just all f**k off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

Yours sincerely

A very disillusioned Mariner


Let us know what we've missed in the comments...

(Image: Arsenal Fan TV, Rex, YouTube)