Kickstarters can be a wonderful thing; a way of getting unique inventions by young entrepreneurs out into the world for the masses to see and support.
But a lot of the time it can be absolute horse shit.
Seriously, some Kickstarters prove that some people should just not have the internet. Or thoughts. Here are a few of the mind boggling, head scratching pages that want your money to release their Frankenstein fashion upon the world like some new plague.
Atheist shoes
The sell:
"This Kickstarter page is only possible thanks to the extraordinary support and encouragement of the r/atheism folk on reddit.com. A few weeks ago I posted some pictures of my "Atheist Shoes" there and I was blown away by how many sweet and encouraging messages I received, urging me to make more shoes. Actually, it was a bit scary... but in a good way... and, 6 weeks later, I've figured out how I'll be able to make shoes for you all. This page is the first step towards realising that dream and I hope some of you will be willing to pre-order your shoes, so that I have the upfront capital I need to get busy!"
Is there anything worse than a patronising atheist? Modern day atheism has almost ironically become an extreme religion in itself with the amount of bile they spit at others in dark chat rooms and their dedication to the cause. So why wouldn't you want to put that on a shoe?! They'll really go with your tipped fedora and Meninist t-shirt.
Cam's wooden ties
If someone showed up to my wedding in a wooden tie it would provoke so much anger I'd probably be able to taste blood in my mouth.
But at least they say if they raise enough money they'll go to South Africa to teach troubled teens a trade. So maybe buy one for your little brother this Christmas if he's been an incredible douche this year.
Got wood? No, then check out Cam's Kickstarter
A watch that doesn't tell the time
In case you can't read it, it says "Time is irrelevant when you're dedicated to what you love."
But what if what I love is telling the time? What if it's getting to work at nine sharp and not fifteen minutes late because my watch doesn't have a God damn face?
This is their motto:
"The Motto is the latest and most comprehensively designed iteration of the Infinity Piece becomb series. With no markers or movement to keep track of, the Motto is intended to remind people to live in the moment while redefining the idea of being on time."
OK then. New concept idea: hospital machinery that doesn't actually work, reminding people that they only live once.
Bear hats
Why are they naked? Is this a sex thing like furry fandom? Why am I slightly scared? This is so unsettling it could follow in the footsteps of Scream masks and clown costumes in its creepiness. The idea of a grown ass man wearing knitted bear ears is the stuff of nightmares.
The drinking jacket
I'm not going to rip this jacket apart, because it's not often alcoholics are catered for by the world of fashion; they're just left to stew in their own filth. But now they get a dedicated jacket.
It's got a neoprene can pocket, sleeves with drink grips, ID and money pocket holder on the arm, hidden flask pocket and a bottle opener zip and foldable drinking mitts.
And to show you how much the world loves comfortable boozing, it's already raised over $500,000...
Le grand hat
A baseball cap has been crossbred with a top hat. How can people get offended at stem cell research and not this? It's not natural and goes against everything logical in the world. This is the chicken nugget of style; a true abomination.
If you have cone head or for some reason genuinely like it, you can check it out here
Grass sandals
You put on shoes so you don't have to feel the ground beneath you, that's the whole point. I don't want to feel rubber grass under my feet. It's like eating food that makes you hungry. Absolutely pointless.
PlayPants
"Erm...Danny...your knob is hanging out."
"Oh yeah, ha ha ha, that'll be my unzippable pants. Cool, right?"
No Danny, not cool. PlayPants jeans are low-rise, drop-crotch double button fly jeans with completely unzippable front pockets, which the brand says comes in handy for having itchy private parts in public, lonely nights at the cinema, boring corporate meetings and a dull love life, so you can be a wanker and look like one too.
Are You Militia-US?
"In 2015 two Law Enforcement Officers observed a new politically correct culture shaming those who still believe in American Grit, Patriotism and Freedom.
"We are Militia-US, A Bold American Apparel Company created to destroy political correctness. To offer products infused with the abrasive American Spirit, hated by today's weak and timid culture. No longer will the strong sit in silence. Be Proud. Be American. Be Militia-US!"
This seriously couldn't be more American, even if it was covered in peanut butter and delivered to you by a bald eagle. This is just a stereotypical painful snapshot of the USA.
Order one now and get ready to blend in when Trump wins the election.
Tailly
"Tailly is not just a toy, nor is it a fashion accessory or a gadget. It is those three items combined, and, since it reacts to the heart beat rate, an extension of the users’ body. Tailly is fun to wear to parties, while out with friends or playing with kids. You could even wear Tailly on a date and express your true feelings through the wagging tail."
Imagine going on a first date and your companion is wearing one of these - and it's wagging. Even worse, what if it's not wagging? What's wrong with me? I'm fun, I deserve a fake tail to excitedly rock back and forth. WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?
