Another weekend, another weekend off the booze - well done you, you’ve made it two weeks without going out now, the embarrassment of ‘the incident’ still raw, but fading. Give yourself another weekend in doing wholesome things like watching films and eating ice cream, and then maybe have two pints as a treat next week. You’ve earned it.
Anyway, here’s what to watch this weekend, sober:
New at ‘The Pictures’
1.'Most Beautiful Island'
Do you like films that have 100% on Rotten Tomatoes? What about creepy, slow-burn dramas with an underlying threat of horror shot through their entirety? Well, a big YES to both of those questions, and you’ll probably be interested in Most Beautiful Island, because it covers both bases.
The creepy flick follows an illegal immigrant in New York who attends a shady underground party as a way to make ends meet - as you can expect, things don’t exactly go swimmingly. I’ll leave it there for fear of ruining things, but just know you’re in for a tough time, if you like that sort of thing.
In cinemas 1 December
2.'The Muppet Christmas Carol'
What is the best film adaptation of A Christmas Carol? Is it Scrooged? Is it that weird, deeply terrifying Jim Carrey one? No, it is The Muppet Christmas Carol, obviously - there is no debate around this matter, it is fact - a fact as cold as the snow covering Victorian London, as cold as Scrooge’s knuckles.
“But this film came out in 1992!” you screech up the chimney. Yes, you are correct, but it’s getting a limited re-release in cinemas this year, and you owe your festive self a trip to the big screen to watch it. There are no excuses. If Tiny Tim can make the effort, so can you.
In cinemas 4 December
New on Netflix
Did you see Godzilla back in 2014? It was *pretty alright, in the grand scheme of things* I felt, worth a watch, not worth a rave (not enough Godzilla for my liking). Anyway, the guy who directed that, Gareth Edwards, got the gig off the strength of his first proper feature - Monsters. The aesthetic is still the same - big monsters walking about, shot through an almost documentary-style camera, but this one is far more lo-fi than its blockbuster cousin.
Also, there is a gigantic alien sex scene, which I don’t think you’ve ever seen before. I mean, I don’t know what you’re into, but try as I might, I wasn’t able to find the relevant category on PornHub, so I’m confident this will be fresh for you.
On Netflix now
We’ve told you about Dark before, so rather than bang on about it all over again, just click the word ‘before’, 15 words back, and get the lowdown there. It saves everyone a lot of time, really, doesn’t it? I’m not in the business of repeating myself, here, I’ve got enough on my plate as it is.
Which reminds me, I MUST have a shower at some point this week.
On Netflix 1 December
This. THIS. This looks amazing. Amazingly terrifying, anyway. It’s a documentary about a guy who bought a seedy motel for the sole purpose of hiding in the roof and watching his customers have sex. For some reason, he’s agreed to be interviewed for this, even though all the people from his class in school will probably be watching.
Bit embarrassing that, if you ask me. I don’t want my old school mates knowing I’m a creepy weirdo whoops I mean I wouldn’t want my old school mates knowing I’m a creepy weirdo, if I was one, which I’m not.
On Netflix 1 December
On the good old-fashioned idiot box
1.'The Sex Robots Are Coming'
Yet more scares now, this time in the form of dead-eyed shag-bots who will fuck your beard off and clamp their teeth around your nose until it splits. They’ll bear-hug you and won’t let go ever, not ever, your lungs will seep through your ribs like an egg through a slicer. Bones will crack, blood will spill, and it’s all because you wanted to fuck a latex android. You only have yourself to blame.
I cannot wait to watch this.
On Channel 4 at 10pm
Look, sometimes it’s just quite nice to watch Jason Statham kick some people and bang their heads into car doors, isn’t it? I feel like we, as a human race, share this sentiment and it brings us together. As such, hold metaphorical hands with your brethren and enjoy a bald man punching another man really, really hard, square in the middle of his fucking head.
On 5Star at 11.20pm
2.'Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films'
Cannon Films have made some of my favourite dumb movies: American Ninja, The Delta Force, Highlander, Cobra, American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, Masters of the Universe, Bloodsport, Kickboxer - God I could write this list forever. Their knack for pumping out lo-fi classic after lo-fi classic was unmatched in the ‘80s and early ‘90s, and this kooky documentary charts their successes.
If you’re a fan of these movies, then this is an absolute must-see, but even if you’re not, it’s a wonderfully crazy look into the low-budget film industry.
On Film 4 at 1.05am
Look, I’ll be straight with you here - TV isn’t that great this weekend. Not too much on, if I’m honest. However, there is a Danny Dyer film on, and you should always watch a Danny Dyer film when it’s on, because I think - and do feel free to correct me if I’m wrong - it’s the actual law. So watch this Danny Dyer film, because otherwise you’ll get arrested, or something.
On London Live at 12.45am
Enjoy your stupid weekend, you big not-going-out nerd!