It’s that time of the week again, when I must come up with an original way to open the weekly menswear round-up. As such, I have eschewed the usual route of talking about the weather or doing a funny bit about wearing clothes upside down or something, and will instead present to you, a poem:
Clothes, clothes, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
Enjoy this week’s selection:
Skulls are cool - this is a fact - which is strange when you think about it, because they’re also a bit death-y, which isn’t specifically very cool. Maybe it’s something to do with us all being the same underneath, we all have cool skulls, and are therefore all cool. Buy this tote to raise awareness of the message: I have a cool skull and so do you, let us butt them together in the ultimate display of fashion.
Didn’t mention the weather in the intro, but I am behooved to now, for this is a scarf, an item of clothing that you should regard as weather-dependent. Thing is, most scarves are MIND-NUMBINGLY DORKY, so you’ve got to be careful picking one that doesn’t make you look like the final boss on Poindexter: The Game. This one will not do that, so you’re safe. It’s nice, look at it. Warm neck, street-cred intact.
Ugly trainers, but also sort of… nice? Axel Arigato are swell at putting out shoes that are very easy on the eye, and even when they’re entering the chunky sneaker territory, they somehow manage to stick to their guns, as can be seen above. You can easily nip into a pair of these without looking like a desperate hypebeast - they’re pretty subtle compared to the giant orthopaedic clodhoppers that adorn the dainty feet of so many cool kids nowadays. You have found the perfect medium for infiltration.
Pinstripe? Whaddyameanpinstriyp? Well, look closely and your old pal Sergio has knocked up a subtle brand name pinstripe design on that there tracksuit top - lovely stuff from the man with the racket. Smart bit of ‘80s kit, this one is, a juicy coating of retro sex. Especially if you wear it and nothing else.
I WAS ONLY JOKING PLEASE PUT THESE ON YOU ANIMAL.
You know how major chords are really nice and pleasant, and you want to experience more of them and just surround yourself with them at every available opportunity? Well, the same applies to this jacket, which I shall *TENUOUS LINK INCOMING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT* term a major bit of cord. I am terming it this because it is really nice and pleasant, and you want to experience more of it and just surround yourself with it at every available opportunity. It. Is. Lovely.
This is a very important piece of life advice and placing it front and centre on a t-shirt is a wonderful way of saving the valuable effort needed to actually say it. When faced with a difficult or perhaps accusatory question or statement, simply ensure the corners of your mouth point downwards and then point at your chest. It’s a fail-safe for any situation.
Boss asked why you’re late? Point at your chest.
Colleague just said “Where did you get that top from? I really like it”? Point at your chest.
Asked by a journalist why you haven’t fulfilled any of your promises as Prime Minister? Point at your chest.
Big fan of watches that are all one matte colour. Matt Colour, pleased to meet you, this watch would say, if it could speak. Or maybe it can, and buying it would be a terrible mistake, for it will keep you up at night with its screams.
A rugby top is the kind of thing that maybe you think you don’t need, but actually do. Like, you may say “What would I need one of them for? My name isn’t Horace,” and to that I would say “It doesn’t matter, rugby tops aren’t just for people called Horace. And besides, your name is Horace - are you feeling OK?”
Get a rugby top, basically, is what I’m trying to tell you, Horace.
If you are prepared to be called “Biggles” by one or more of your friends as a direct result of wearing this, and are fine with that - could own it, even - then this snug jacket is a safe buy, giving you the refined look of an ultra-stylish World War II fighter pilot maverick. It’ll sort you out for winter, gives off a rugged, I-do-stuff vibe and will finally, after all these years, give you that nickname you so desperately want. “Biggles!” they’ll shout, “Biggles is here!” At long last, you now belong - a name you can be proud of.
So much better than Horace.