I’ve talked about the debilitating need to talk about the weather in these menswear intros, but this gosh-darn heatwave ain’t slowing up, baby, so you better believe I’m gonna go on about it for as long as anyone will listen.
It’s so hot, isn’t it? Like, so hot I’ve been eating a plate of ice cubes for dinner every night, sleeping on a massive ice oblong instead of a bed, injecting ice into my veins to replace the hot blood - it’s not fun anymore.
Anyway, as such, you won’t find any woolly hats or Ugg boots in this week’s list. Nary a pair of salopettes in sight. Enjoy:
Stripes are in. Like, they’ve always sort of been “in”, but now they’re “in”. They’re “IN”. Nice big thick stripes - we’re not talking pins here - in lovely contrasting colours, that’s what’s “in”, and should you require yourself to also be “in”, then get “in” a shirt just like the one above. Perfect for summer, a season to which I cryptically alluded in the intro.
Not that there’s anything wrong with bumbags, I just feel it necessary to let you know that this is not one. Not one for anywhere near your bum, - instead, drape it over your front and keep your essentials in it for extremely easy access - you never know when a Lypsyl emergency may rear its ugly head. Same goes for Skittles. In fact, Skittles emergencies are the very worst type of emergency.
Have you ever seen laces like that before? Chances are, no, unless it’s snowing - so put your brave face on and slip your feet into these Lairy Larrys. If these shoes don’t say summer (still banging on about summer are you? Yes, and I shall continue), then I don’t know what do.
I mean, they look like actual ice cream. Ice cream it would be advisable not to lick, but ice cream all the same.
Yes, very nice, this shirt - real poolside vibes going on here. Whack this one and get yourself near some water immediately - in fact, wearing this anywhere but at a pool party or beach boulevard is a crime of the highest order. Don’t you dare cuss this shirt out like that, it deserves better. WATER, NOW!
You think of Polo, and you think of a man on a horse brazenly waving a big stick in the air like a reckless cad - but this rash cur and his out-of-control steed are nowhere to be found on this shirt. Instead they have been replaced by a bear. A bear in clothes. You, in clothes, with a bear, in clothes, on your clothes. It’s like Inception. Bearception.
Stripes again - told ya! Only this time… they’re going the other way! Lots of nice colours, all wrapping around your body, making you look all fun and not boring. Well done you. Well done on not being boring. We all thought you were!
There’s a brand, yeah, that uses this check pattern quite a lot on their clothing, but, shhhhh, it’s quite expensive, so what you could do, is simply spend £12 on this hat from ASOS, which bears a very similar design. It is up to you whether you actually actively lie about what brand your hat is, but to the average, non-intrusive passer-by in the street, the top of your head is a baffling enigma, a secret riddle that shall never be solved. You have confused the proles with your big head once more! All hail Mr Big Head!
Only wear this if you actually like the popular hip-hop collective N.E.R.D.
Hey (brace yourselves, about to mention the weather again), this might be a little too cosy for how hot it is at the moment, but there’s not a single problem with looking ahead to autumn. Half the country is, anyway - just yearning for a slight chill in the air, a single dab of rain on one’s shoulder, a grey blanket across the sky - buy this and the cold will feel closer than ever before.
Now I’m fully discrediting my guarantee in the intro, because putting a pair of these on in this weather would be a dunce’s agenda, but why not prep for the coming seasons so you’re ready to bang these on as soon as it switches? It’s fun to own something that you have to wait to wear. It’s like the agonising delay before a takeaway hits your front door - it’s all the more exciting when you’re finally able to enjoy it.*
*What on earth am I banging on about? Utmost apologies. Absolute drivel.