Punt a big bit of steak in my giant mouth. Go on, whack it in there as hard as you can, then watch as I give it a minimum amount of chews before forcing it down my throat like a snake eating a frisbee. WATCH ME HOICK BACK A DEAD COW YOU JEALOUS VOYEUR.
Sorry, got a bit carried away there - was thinking about meat, wasn’t I. Had just read the news that Aldi are bringing back their giant Big Daddy steak and I lost my train of thought. Started dribbling onto this here keyboard.
Fair enough to me, though - this is exciting news. Following an appearance on the shelves this summer, Aldi have decided to satiate the public’s rabid blood-lust by plopping it up on their shelves once more. That’s 16oz of rump beef, matured for three weeks and ready for you to throw up into the air and catch in your jaws like the absolute crocodile that you are.
Oh, and the best part? It’s a frankly stooopid £4.99 to buy, which, yes, is extremely cheap for a cut of meat of this heft. For example, Tesco’s Finest Rump Steak costs £5.95, yet is a full 100g lighter - hmmmmmm, wonder which one I’ll go for. Wonder which one will impress the most people as I eat it in the middle of the road outside my house? Hmmmmmm.
Aldi UK’s joint managing director of corporate buying, Julie Ashfield said:
“The 16oz ‘Big Daddy’ Extra Thick Rump Steak has been a customer favourite since it launched earlier this year and we’re delighted to bring it back as Specialbuy once again.”
I mean, yeah, she’s just repeating what I just said (copycat), but sometimes these things need to be said twice. Or thrice?
BIG STEAK FOR £4.99 SHOCKER, WORLD GOES MAD
It’ll hit the hallowed aisles of Aldi on 19 October, and you’d better get a frenzied wriggle on because there’s only a limited stock, and it sold like hot steaks last time. You wouldn’t want to miss out on an event this earth-shattering now, would you?
Just punch that doggone slab of flesh into your braying trap, you heinous bastard. I love you.