What do you mean you’ve not given Valentine’s Day any thought yet? Seriously? Wow. Okay, don’t panic. We’ve can sort this.
Luckily for you (and in all honestly, us) we’ve teamed up with Ben Smith, co-Founder of top what's-on guide London On The Inside [Londontheinside.com] to sort the mushy romantic stuff that your other half probably did with their ex before you turned up on the scene (Jeez, that guy was a douchebag), from the awesome, totally unexpected and brilliantly offbeat stuff that will you crown you King Of All Boyfriends this 14 February. We’re talking horror films, duvets, cute kittens, hip-hop and even erotic cake decorations.
So don’t panic – here’s how you’ll get through, and totally win, Valentine’s Day this year.
Bloody Valentine Cabin at York & Albany
If the idea of all that February 14th romance brings you out in a cold sweat, and you need something easier to stomach, enter the Gordon Ramsay-owned York & Albany’s ‘Bloody Valentine Cabin’. Expect special sour cocktails, crimson canapes like devilled duck hearts and blood orange panna cotta, and screenings of cult horror classics such as The Lost Boys and My Bloody Valentine, ensuring your V-Day is anything but sweet. Ideal for those of you that are lovers and haters in equal measure.
11th - 14th Feb, from £30pp, York & Albany, 127 – 129 Parkway, London, NW1 7PS, info here
Anti-Valentine's Bill Murry Brunch
Can’t face watching a soppy Hugh Grant love story in the cinema? How does a double helping of Bill Murray tickle you? Yeah, thought so. Two films will be voted onto the big screen by attendees, and what’s more you’re encouraged you to bring your own duvets, so you can have all the comfort of a full day in bed minus the crippling guilt. Add in a serving of brunch, and you pretty much have a winning day date. No messing about under the covers mind…
Sun 14th Feb, £20, 228 -232 Station Approach Road, London SE1 8SW, info here
There is no better soundtrack for a bit of bump and grind than quality hip-hop anthems. Add brunch and bottomless cocktails in a secret London location and you’ve got a pretty fun date right there. You’ll be ridin’ dirty all the way home.
Sunday 14th Feb, £35, secret location, info here
The Anti-Slam Anti-Valentine’s Day
Poetry slams are normally about scoring points, but not at The Anti-Slam Anti-Valentine’s show, hosted by Varjack & Simpson. Some of London’s top poets will be battling it out with their most cringeworthy couplets, because the worst poet wins. Expect really, really bad “roses are red, violets are blue” rhymes.
Sat 13th Feb, £7, Hackney Attic, 270 Mare Street, London, E8 1HE, info here
Feline Lonely? at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home
This pun-tastic event might just be where you meet your purr-fect match. Forgo the company of other humans and get down to Battersea to cuddle up with the cats instead. Tickets come with a complimentary glass of fizz, but here’s the cherry on the cake - if you fall in love, you can take a cat home. That should definitely put of baby talk for a while.
Fri 12th Feb, £5, Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, 4 Battersea Park Rd, London, SW8 4AA, info here
Ultimate Proposal Package at Sky Garden
Planning to pop the question and happen to have eight grand knocking about? As luck would have it, the up-in-the-clouds Sky Garden has just the thing for all the big rollers out there. Their 'Ultimate Proposal Package' includes a helicopter ride over London, a chauffeured limo, champagne served by a butler, a bespoke meal in the private Viñoly Room, flowers, candles...the whole shebang. She’ll definitely give you a yes, even if you’re screaming “nooo!” at the sight of your bank balance.
Sky Garden, 1 Sky Garden Walk, London, EC3M 8AF, info here
Stone Carving at Alcoholic Architecture
Nothing says “I love you” like carving the name of your loved on a piece of stone whilst sat in the gardens of London’s oldest Gothic cathedral. Cut into your very own megalith using medieval methods taught by Neil Luxton, the guy responsible for Malcolm McLaren’s gravestones. Just make sure you don’t spell her name wrong - not even a quick Command-Z shortcut can help when you're writing into stone…
Sat 13th Feb, £75, Southwark Cathedral, London Bridge, SE1 9DA, info here
Breakfast in Bed
Sometimes it’s the little things that are the best - forget about the grand gestures and fancy dinners and keep it simple (read: save yourself load of dosh) with a breakfast in bed delivery from Good and Proper Tea. Their special hampers come with tea, sourdough crumpets and pots of jam, plus you get change outta 20 quid. And there’s no need to worry about getting all dolled up either. A Valentine’s Day spent in bed is one we could get used to.
Valentine’s at The Grant Museum
Remember the song that goes, “you and me baby ain't nothin but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel”? If you’ve always wanted to know exactly how they do it, but had no access to satellite TV, then this is the evening for you. Go along and learn how the art of seduction is done in the animal world. No need to book, just drop in and get all primal! Single or with a date, you’re bound to pick up some sexy moves.
Fri 12th Feb, £6, more info here
Erotic Cake Decoration Class at The Book Club
If ever there was a time to bring up your fetish for deeply erotic cake decoration with your other half, it’s now. Share your fantasies through cupcake art at The Book Club. Prizes are available for realism and invention, so get researching now.
Sat 13th Feb, £7, TheBook Club, 100 Leonard Street, London, EC2A 4RH, info here