TV

A teenage version of ‘Gogglebox’ is launching, and it has a very rubbish new name

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Gary Ogden
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Gogglebox is television of the highest notch – simple idea, perfect execution. I love it. It has continued unchanged (bar the arrival and departure of numerous families) for a good four years now, so hey, guess what, don’t change it – because it’s obviously still very popular.

Thankfully, ‘they’ won’t be changing the main show – that will continue as-is, thank god – but they are going to be introducing a spin-off. Not sure if you watched it, but they did this before with Gogglesprogs, which was obviously neck-fizzingly unbearable in almost every way. So forgive me for not getting excited about any other offshoots.

Still, I do not represent everyone (although I like to think I do), so bosses are going ahead with a teenage version of the show. I’m assuming that this will be as bad, if not worse than Gogglesprogs. Really, who are the worst people on Gogglebox? It’s the kids, isn’t it? 

I don’t want a teenager’s opinion on anything, thanks – when I was 15, my opinions were even more warped and unfounded than they are now, and I like Vegemite more than Marmite.

So what’s it going to be called? Goggleteens? Teenglebox? Teenleteen? Gogglebox 2: Teenage Wasteland? Gogglesprogs, But OlderTwats With Bullshit Opinions In Front Of The TV?

No, none of them. According to bosses, the name Gogglebox isn’t coooooool enough – it’s something that teens associate with their parents – it’s something old people watch, basically (incorrect).

A source told The Sun: “A teen version of Gogglebox has been a big priority for Channel 4 and Studio Lambert for a while now, especially after the success of kids’ spin-off Gogglesprogs, so they’re delighted it’s finally happening.

“But it’s not been without challenges. The name has caused a right dilemma.

Gogglebox is such a beloved brand that viewers should come flocking, but it’s known for being a show that your mum and dad sit down and watch on a Friday night – which is not exactly appealing to teens. It’s been tricky to figure out.”

So they’re going with…

*dubstep breadown* 

...Screen Time.

Certainly doesn’t sound like something that would be on CBeebies does it? Sounds like something that rude yoots would drop their shotter bags for and plomp down in front of, doesn’t it? Not at all like something your teacher would put on during wet playtime at primary school. Much more like something all the fashionable teens would stick on instead of a Boiler Room video. 

But that’s not it, oh no – it’s not just a name change. How could an out-of-touch old person possibly make this even cooler? Yep, you’re right – they’re having the cast watch the shows on their phones and tablets. Sounds like a logistical dream. Everyone looking down into their laps – that’ll look engaging.

Anyway, I shaaaaaant be watching it – if Leon isn’t on it, what’s the point? Leon is sick, yo.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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