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The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners

On top of all the long winded silliness, Batman outfits, and general slapstick tomfoolery, Fools writer John Sullivan was the master of cramming quick fire gags into his scripts. The man could squeeze an entire series worth of humour into just a handful of syllables. The killer lines were always delivered deadpan, and at the pace of Mickey Pearce legging it out of Wandsworth nick. Mange tout, mange tout.

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners

    Rodney on Trigger's IT skills

    "Trigger with a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches.”

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 1

    Del Boy on Granddad’s cooking

    "It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 2

    Mike on Del Boy’s debt at the Nag’s Head

    "I've got so many of his slates under here I could re-tile me bloody roof."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 3

    Granddad on one of his mates deserting during the war

    "You couldn't blame him the way them Germans was carrying on. Someone was gonna get hurt."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 4

    Rodney on Del Boy's cooking

    "If you had been in charge of The last supper it would have been a take away."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 5

    Del Boy on the state of the flat

    "I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 6

    Denzil on a potential date

    "We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other then - who knows? - in time maybe she might do some ironing for me."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 7

    Rodney on hearing about yet another one of Del’s former fiancés

    "Stone me Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 8

    Del Boy on Rodney's failings

    "You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education - that's why you're no good at snooker."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 9

    Granddad on Sidney Poitier

    "Always plays the black fella."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 10

    Del Boy on his own football talent

    "I used to be a midfield dynamo, played like Paul Gascoigne. Boycie used to play like Bamber Gascoigne."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 11

    Boycie on accusations that he has murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden

    "I have never been so insulted in my life, do you know how much I've spent on that garden? You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?"

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 12

    Rodney on his depression

    "I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 13

    Granddad on drug addiction centres

    "Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is, without recruiting them?"

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 14

    Del Boy on Rodney’s role in the Trotters Independent Traders empire

    "I see it as a combination of my business acumen and salesmanship, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van. Badly."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 15

    Del Boy on Albert's claim that Lord Nelson (like him) was a sailor who couldn't swim

    "Of course he couldn't swim, he only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?"

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 16

    Trigger on his father

    "He died a couple of years before I was born."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 17

    Uncle Albert on his Naval heritage

    "I’m the only one in our family who ever went to sea. Well, my grandmother’s brother was safety officer on the Titanic, but we never talk about it."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 18

    Rodney on having to pretend he’s 14 to get a free package holiday

    "Thanks to your general wally-ness, I am now a twenty six year old man who has just come second in a skateboard race."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 19

    Boycie on Rodney

    "I have heard rumours Mickey Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 20

    Del Boy on his mother

    "She used to say, 'It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won.' Dear old Mum... she used to say some bloody stupid things."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 21

    Del Boy on the plot of the movie War Games

    "No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!"

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 22

    Del Boy on legging it

    "There's no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 23

    Boycie on visiting Nelson Mandela House

    "I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 24

    Trigger on the new Trotter to be

    "If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 25

    Del Boy on Uncle Albert

    "Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 26

    Raquel on Del Boy’s jealous nature

    "Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 27

    Del Boy on Boycie's new car

    "You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the number plates then you got yourself a personalised number plate."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 28

    Del Boy on ordering food in France

    "One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French."

  • The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners 29

    Del Boy on Uncle Albert's involvement in the accidental sinking of the USS Pittsburgh

    "They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest."