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This season's Premier League mascots ranked

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Sam Diss
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The only ranking of Premier League mascots you will need this season.

We know they’re only there to keep the kids happy, but our voices must be heard...

  • Moonchester, Man City

    City’s mascot is an ‘alien’ from ‘the moon’. That’s it. *Pretends to smoke a spliff.* Yeah. Nice one, dudes.

  • Mighty Red, Liverpool

    Mighty Red is meant to be a liver bird, but instead looks like he’s a talking Disney haemorrhoid.

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  • Hammerhead, West Ham

    A ’roided-up half-castle/half-robot that dances like a b-boy and is beloved by
    no one.

  • Monty the Magpie, Newcastle

    I’m really glad to see Newcastle back in the big time but I’m also pretty sure that their mascot is wearing jeans.

  • Chirpy Cockerel, Tottenham Hotspur

    Real cockerels have dead marble eyes and a beak made to break flesh. Mascot-ise that, Levy.  

  • Sammy Saint, Southampton

    He’s a friendly dog with the name of a bare-knuckle boxer. He deserved better than this.

  • Bertie Bee, Burnley

    There’s something alluring about Bertie – perhaps his perennial smile or that time he tackled a streaker. It keeps him mid-table.

  • Filbert Fox, Leicester City

    HAHAHA HE LOOKS LIKE CRASH BANDICOOT! HAHAHA YEERRRRRS!

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  • Baggie Bird, West Brom

    A throstle with a murderer’s grin. More interesting than the football team itself.

  • Harry The Hornet, Watford

    Clearly nobody at the club has seen a hornet, but he earns points for last year’s knee-slide with Ighalo.

  • Cyril The Swan, Swansea

    That swan is not well and we need to treat it with respect before it’s rotting at the bottom of a boating lake.

  • Cherry Bear, Bournemouth

    A pleasant giant dog or a pastiche of an ex-prime minister’s wife? You decide. (We decided: the first one.)

  • Gully, Brighton & Hove Albion

    Gully looks exactly like a bloke you’d make mates with on a plane to Ibiza and then bump into again at a club at 7am. He keeps calling himself the King of Ibiza. I think he’s bleeding. 

  • Stamford The Lion, Chelsea

    Stamford actually looks vaguely lionesque, elevating him tenfold above his barely felid peers. 

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  • Fred The Red, Man United

    First appearing in 1994, Fred looks like if Alejandro Jodorowsky cast Frank Sidebottom as Satan. Class.

  • Pete The Eagle, Crystal Palace

    You can tell Pete’s cool because he’s wearing Wayfarer sunglasses and most eagles don’t wear glasses at all.

  • Pottermus, Stoke City

    The sheer brass balls of this aching ‘Potters’ pun – and the hippo’s ace duck-egg blue hue – deserve respect.

  • Terry the Terrier, Huddersfield Town

    The Huddersfield team will probably spend most of the year getting their heads caved in on the pitch this season but their eerily-realistic, nightmarish, Teen Wolf dog-thing mascot will do them proud. 

  • Changy The Elephant, Everton

    Changy has the braying City-boy nickname and evil eyebrows to go far in this business.

  • Gunnersaurus Rex, Arsenal

    Who knew what the game really needed was a 7ft-tall dinosaur hugging Arsene before kick-off?

    (Images: Rex, Getty, PA)