Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation

Morrissey Has Written About Sex And It's The Worst Thing Ever


Before we go on, let's get one thing clear.

We love the Mozzfather. As a lyricist, frontman, singer - untouchable, both as a member of The Smiths and on much of his solo work. But, Mozz, come on mate, what on earth is going on here?

The singer is preparing to release his debut novel, List of the Lost, about, of course, a sports relay team consumed by demons, and it's received one of the most scathing reviews of all-time in The Guardian, with critic Michael Hann castigating its apparent lack of editing, its poorly-written dialogue, his obsession with settling old scores - even in a fiction world.

But - the coup de gras - nothing quite prepared us for Morrissey's attempt at writing a sex scene. Steady yourselves.

“Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscles of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”

"Bulbous salutation".

We've never heard it called that before. Maybe he's just too original for us? And it's one continuous, toe-curling sentence?!

Best stick to the day job Mozzer.

List Of The Lost is out now

(Image: Rex)



Morrissey Reveals Cover & Release Date for His Debut Novel


QUIZ: Who or what is Morrissey insulting?


The Ultimate Smiths Quiz


25 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Strangeways, Here We Come


20 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Meat Is Murder


The Lyrical Themes of Morrissey Poster


The 10 best books of 2017, according to Amazon

Need something for your holiday? Get one of these

by Tom Victor
07 Aug 2017

Michael Bond, the creator of Paddington Bear, dies age 91

He brought joy to millions of childhoods

by Gary Ogden
28 Jun 2017

Everyone's taking the piss out of Brooklyn Beckham's photography book

Are they being too harsh on the kid?

by Carl Anka
26 Jun 2017

The 30 most memorable literary fathers

These book dads certainly left an impression

16 Jun 2017

I judged the International Booker Prize shortlist by their covers

So the saying doesn't go

by Gary Ogden
28 Apr 2017

Women fancy men who read and this is the book that impresses them most

But it doesn't work the other way

by Tom Mendelsohn
28 Apr 2017

The physical Amazon bookstore is using really cool ways to group books

Online meets the real world

by Dave Fawbert
03 Apr 2017

14 new books you need to read in April

The best picks for your reading pile this month

by Dan Dalton
31 Mar 2017

This bookshop is giving clickbait titles to all the classics

"Teenage girl tricked boyfriend into killing himself" - anyone?

by Emily Reynolds
31 Mar 2017

These bored book store employees deserve all the Instagram followers

Bookface goes French at Librairie Mollat

by Dave Fawbert
21 Mar 2017