I am a self-confessed sexual genius, and it’s all down to Google. I am 100% sure I know exactly what I’m doing, because I have Googled the absolute suck out of it. Every single aspect of sex, I’ve banged it into the search bar, and I am now an ultimate sex-legend. Seriously, I’m going to go down in history for my sex-having.
And it turns out that a lot of other people are also using Google to find out how to have sex (great idea, fool-proof), because this is 2017, and if you can’t get an answer from the internet, then where can you get it from? Encarta 95? Exactly.
But which questions are getting asked? Which problems are the most urgent? Which thing on a girl is the most difficult to find?
Well, according to Google, these are the ten most common questions asked about sex (complete with answers):
1. Where is the G-spot?
The jury is still out on this one - does it exist or is a social construct created by an underground cabal of female freemasons, designed to make men feel inadequate? Who knows, but according to Google, the G-spot is about 2 to 3 inches inside the vagina, on the front wall.
The area feels ridged and spongy, and certain experts, privy to the secret, advise that stimulating this area creates a more intense orgasm than clitoral stimulation.
What it actually is is still a mystery though - some reckon it’s part of the clitoris and others rate it’s a mechanism designed to stop women weeing during sexy time.
I reckon it’s the freemason thing though.
2. How to make a woman orgasm
To be honest, it depends on the woman, so your best bet is just asking her what she likes. And despite what you and your mates reckon, most women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone, so you’ve got to rely on that old chestnut: foreplay. Focus on other areas and spend some time working on techniques that benefit her, rather than you. So selfish.
My go-to move is to stick your thumb in her belly button while booping her nose - usually works for me.
3. Can you get rid of herpes?
It’s not what you want to hear, but unfortunately you can’t. Once you get herpes, it never goes away. Bad news, sure, but you can quite easily keep the symptoms under control with medication, which will reduce symptoms as well as make you less likely to pass it on.
Plus, if you’ve got it, then it means you’ve definitely at least kissed someone, and that’s pretty cool if you ask me.
4. How to get rid of genital warts
If you find an unwelcome nodule on your goolies, then you want to get down to see your GP or pop into a sexual health clinic pretty darn quick. Trying to sort out the problem at home will only end in literal tears (pronounced both ways, most likely).
You’ll most likely be given a cream by a doctor, or they’ll freeze them off - and sorry, but you’ll have to stop having sex until it’s all cleared up down there. Not that that’ll be difficult for you - that first time was a one-off, and you know it.
5. What is the clap?
It is something people in rock ’n’ roll bands have a good chance of getting at the end of a gig.
That’s a gonorrhea joke there, hope you enjoyed it. But one thing you won’t enjoy is the clap, which is a bacterial infection that is transmitted by sexual contact and is easily spread because people with the disease are often symptomless.
A popular theory for the origin of the term is that it comes from the old French word for ‘brothel’, which was ‘clapier’. Lovely.
6. How to get a bigger penis manually
Sorry, all guys that aren’t me, this is a pipe dream (DO YOU GET IT), because there’s really no way you’re going to nab a bigger schlong without getting surgery. And I’ve watched a couple of documentaries on penis enlargements for no other reason than curiosity - I don’t need one, stop telling me I need one - and they always end up looking a tad on the strange side.
Just learn how to use what you’ve got. If you don’t know what you’re doing, just ask Google for help innit.
7. How to measure a penis
I mean, I don’t think I really need to tell you how to do this. You shouldn’t really be asking Google how to use a ruler or tape measure or trundle wheel.
But if you do need some advice, you should measure from where the base meets your abdomen up until the tip.
However, I like to measure from my nipples to the tip as the result appears much larger.
8. How old do you have to be to buy condoms?
There is genuinely no legal restriction on this, which certainly explains why my friends and I were able to buy a load to make a ‘condom tree’ in the local woods when we were about ten.
9. How to insert the male organ into the female organ
I’m sure you can work this out between the two of you.
You remember those wooden toys you had when you were a baby, where you had to put the shapes into their corresponding holes? It’s a bit like that I think.
10. How long does sex last?
A 2016 study helpfully suggested that it lasts “anywhere between 33 seconds and 44 minutes, with the median time coming in at 5.4 minutes”, while a 2008 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine saw sex therapists saying that intercourse that lasted 1-2 minutes was “too short,” 3-7 minutes was “adequate,” 7-13 minutes was “desirable,” and 10-30 was “too long”. Tell that to Sting, mate.
Also, never call me too short again, study.
Anyway, happy sexing!