You think you’re sooooo cool, don’t you? You spent ages on that dating profile, and you reckon your the dog’s knees, mate, the absolute bee’s balls.
But did you know that all those potential love matches - hordes and hordes of them - are looking at your profile and laughing. Guffawing at it. Passing their phone around their mates and banging their fists on the table, slapping their thighs, hooting to the ceiling - your profile, and therefore you, are a laughing stock.
But why? Well, it’s because you’re doing it all wrong, mate. That thing you thought was cool, is not. That part in your bio which you thought would make you seem interesting and funny, does not. That pose? Definitely not.
According to a survey conducted by Nuyoo, which asked 872 Brits aged 18-30, there a a good few cardinal sins that the nations blokes are making on their dating profiles.
Out of all the women surveyed, a huge 86% said that topless pictures were a one-way ticket to a left swipe and a swift consignment to the scrapheap.
Next up, with a peculiarly large 81%, was a star-sign not being compatible - unfortunately for you, there’s not much you can do about that one. Leave it off your profile altogether, we’d say. Or lie. Always good to start a relationship based on lies.
Another no-no that’s out of your control was having the same name as an ex, with 70% of women saying that would lead to an immediate left swipe.
Then, back to things that are firmly in your hands, was 62% saying too many group pictures were a turn-off, particularly if there’s not a single photo with just you in it - how are they supposed to know who they’re swiping for, ya bozo?
Finally, a substantial 60% of women asked were not happy if you’ve got a load of women in all your pictures, you big playboy, you!
“Look at me, the sexy man who the ladies love” you think, as you add the photo.
“What a whopping knobber” the ladies reply.
In case you were curious, the horrible men who took part in the survey gave the following as their biggest turn-offs:
Too much makeup (91%)
Is a parent (84%)
Not their type (77%)
Selfies with a filter on (68%)
Pictures with other men (57%)
Taken all that in, yeah? You’ve got no excuses now. Check your profile, right now, and if it’s anything like the perfectly terrible one below, then you’re dust, mate. DATING DUST.