Pain is the worst, I hate it. I hate being in pain, getting in pain, and painful things – they’re all a pain in the arse (which incidentally, is another pain I do not like).
But what are the worst pains? Growing pains? Pain au chocolat? Liam Payne? Well, the NHS has a list of the 20 most excruciating pains known to humans, and I’ll admit, I don’t like the look of any of them. I’m thankful that I’ve only experienced two.
Anyway, here they are:
Shingles: This is a skin rash that can either be not-that-painful or ultra-mega-extremely-painful, should it cause nerve damage (which can last for years, btw).
Cluster headaches: Essentially a bunch of recurring headaches all localised around one area of the head.
Frozen shoulder: Your shoulder is fucked, basically. The joint becomes inflamed and moving your shoulder even slightly becomes horribly, horribly painful.
Broken bones: I have no idea what these are.
Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS): This is basically pain that sticks around after an injury, and is most likely even greater than it was during the original instance. It can cause swelling, muscle atrophy and skin damage. It’s hell on Earth.
Heart attack: No need explaining how terrible these are.
Slipped disc: Kind of like dislocating your shoulder, but for your spine, in essence.
Cancer: Again, no explanation needed.
Migraine: And again.
Sciatica: This affects your sciatic nerve, and results in extreme pain in your back and down your leg. Could be caused by a slipped disc.
Kidney stones: This is, in layman’s terms, where you have to pee a big rock while screaming.
Appendicitis: Your appendix swells up and becomes inflamed, causing abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting.
Trigeminal neuralgia: This attacks the trigeminal nerve, causing sharp, intense pain in your FACE.
Pancreatitis: Like appendicitis, but in your pancreas.
Gout: Rich people get this because they eat too many steaks and drink too much lovely beer. It causes swelling in the joints, usually in the foot.
Endometriosis: The Wikipedia description of this is all I need, thanks: “Endometriosis is a condition in which tissue that normally grows inside the uterus (endometrium) grows outside it.”
Stomach ulcer: Like that thing you get in your mouth, but in your actual stomach.
Fibromyalgia: This is essentially pain over your entire body for no reason. No thanks.
Pain after an operation: Surely this is a bit of a loose term, because it can run the gamut of I-can’t-even-remember-having-an-operation to JESUS-CHRIST-WHY-DID-I-HAVE-THAT-OPERATION.
Of course, the above list is completely wrong – we all know the actual list of most painful things known to man. Here they are:
Stepping on Lego
Getting a paper cut
Getting in the shower when it’s too hot
Hitting your knee on the edge of your desk
Shin on shin, in any instance
Pulling out nose hairs for fun and immediately discovering it isn’t fun
Not realising there’s a curb there and cruckling your ankle while crossing a road
Cycling headfirst into a taut iron wire (trust me)
Looking at the sun through binoculars
Putting your headphones in not realising that you’re on full volume
Kicking sand into your own eyes
Getting a blackout on Take Me Out
Dropping your phone on your face when you’re using it in bed
Taking your lasagne out of the oven without any oven gloves
Getting one of those joke pens that gives you an electric shock and using it on your teeth
Doing an endo but going all the way over and clouting your crotch on the handlebars
Getting fully parred in the barbers and walking out with an absolutely rubbish haircut
Standing up too quickly on the front seat of the bus and belting your head on the ceiling in front of a packed bus
Getting your willy stuck in your zip
Being at work