Hey, so there’s gonna be another Marvel superhero movie, are you excited? I am! Thought I wasn’t, but it turns out I am - could absolutely not hide my excitement when Captain America plays mercy with Thanos near the end of the trailer. They’ve sucked me back in, those Marvel cats, and I am well and truly invested in this make-believe universe of spandex and punching - I am resolutely not enjoying waiting for this to come out.
Anyway, here’s the trailer for Avengers: Infinity War, the movie I am talking about:
And what can we learn from it? Well, this:
Who’s in it?
Look, when I normally do this section, there’s only like three or four big names in the film, but there’s about one thousand famous people in this, and to list them with a typically pithy comment after each one, would warrant a far longer article, an article that would stretch the ‘joke’ too far, and force me to appear even more insufferable than I usually am. Just know that every movie star currently working in Hollywood is probably in this. I think it is the most famous film ever made.
Does it have a good name?
It’s a pretty standard superhero film title. We know who the Avengers are, and they are in an ‘infinity war’, so it all makes sense, I guess. These films could be called anything by now and people (read: me) would still see them. Avengers: Cheese Toastie - yes please! Avengers: This Time it’s Snakes - go on then! Avengers: Someone’s Stuck a Go-Pro on a Slug - GET ME A TICKET, NOW!
What other films does it look like?
It looks like Avengers Assemble and Avengers: Age of Ultron, which is not necessarily a bad thing. It looks more like Age of Ultron though, as it has more characters in common with that - you see, the casts of these Marvel films increase exponentially with every installment. Eventually there will be too many superheroes. You won’t be able to fit them all on the screen. Over one thousand main characters, punching their way to the front of the camera. A technicolour epileptic nightmare.
I can’t wait.
Are we still at a stage where nobody has told Tony Stark that goatees aren’t cool?
In almost any situation, is not a good look. That is a magician’s beard. It is a Games Workshop manager’s beard. It is a not-very-good beard.
But nobody has said anything because somehow, somehow, Tony Stark pulls it off. How has this happened? How has this man made that beard look good? It has become one of the coolest beards in existence, but it is objectively hideous. Tony Stark, the man who can do anything. I am constantly in awe.
What’s the most unrealistic moment?
Well, obviously, it’s this bit:
Just Peter Parker there, hanging off the side of his school bus, onto the side of which he’s presumably just clambered out, putting his mask on in full view of everyone. All the students, all the cars, everyone. I think, Peter, that it is quite obvious now, that you are Spider-Man - you’ve blown that one, you berk.
Is the soundtrack good?
Yes it is, because it is the Avengers theme tune, and I like that piece of music very much. It’s hard nowadays, what with years and years of orchestral movie soundtracks behind us, to come up with a memorable theme, but Alan Silvestri managed it. Instantly recognisable, and in this trailer, beefed up with extra bass and BIG DRUM BANGS aplenty. Good stuff.
Are there any car chases in it?
Doesn’t look like it, and man, I’m getting tired of this. There was a car chase in Captain America: Civil War and there was a car chase in Black Panther, and oh, newsflash, they were both amazing. When will they learn? All you need to fully please an open-mouthed, slow-blinking punk like me, is to damn-well shove a car chase in front of me. It’s such an easy win, pull your finger out.
How many explosions though?
I counted about 21 explosions - that’s a lotta explosions. Just cop a load of this scene ripped directly from the trailer, with no alterations:
Look at them all! I have an inkling that this film is going to be very explosion-heavy, and that can only be a good thing - because a superhero film without any explosions: not for me, sicko!
Where is Hawkeye?
Hawkeye is not in this trailer, but Jeremy Renner is on the cast list and the Russo brothers have confirmed he definitely plays a part in the story. So why is he not in the trailer? I have zero idea, but then I also have zero idea as to how he is still alive. Him and Black Widow - they have no super powers, they are simply humans; one who is good at arrows, and one who is good at kicking. They would be dead by now, of course they would. Hawkeye in his gilet and Black Widow in her leather jumpsuit - who needs armour when you’re good at arrows or kicking? The luckiest characters in movie history, these two.
Accurate joke count
1. “Let’s talk about this plan of yours, I think it’s good, except, it sucks”
2. “Oh, we’re using our made up names”
Not really laying it on thick with the jokes, here - guess it’s because half the universe might get destroyed, so not much time for a laugh, got bigger fish to fry. Still, Star-Lord and Spider-Man are both in this, and we know they like to bang out the odd quip or two (see the trailer) so we’ll probably see that couple of japesters do the odd ‘bit’. Thor is funny now, too, I think, so hopefully he’ll sneak in a few punchlines as well. Also, it would be a right laugh if Hawkeye survived.
Are there any questionable accents in it?
Yes, Benedict Cumberbatch is doing an American accent, so the answer is yes. It’s a yes.
How exciting did I find this trailer, on the whole?
Is this another franchise?
Yes, it is part of the biggest movie franchise in history. To date, the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies have grossed $14,694,634,779 worldwide. That’s more than the Star Wars, Harry Potter, James Bond, Lord of the Rings and Fast and Furious franchises. It is a cash-cow of unheard-of proportions. A giant bovine beast hoovering up money with its gargantuan trap and farting a giant hole through the ozone layer that will eventually kill us all. Cheers ‘Iron Man’.
Does it star The Rock?
No, for some reason, it does not. If you’ve not got any sodding car chases in your movie, at least put The Rock in. If you can do both, well then, suppose we’d better get married and have a thousand kids then!
Does the trailer contain any goddamn spoilers?
Thing is with these Marvel films, they often bung a load of red herrings all over the shop to get us excited/confuse us beyond belief. As such, and so as not to betray my rudimentary knowledge of the ins-and-outs of this particular story, I shall simply say yes/no, and then you can print this article off and scribble out the particle with which you agree most. Then, if you’re wrong, you’ve only got yourself to blame - I shall be no part of your frankly lunk-headed and obviously incorrect decision.
So, when can I watch this cinematic masterpiece?
You can watch it on 27 April, which in my worthwhile opinion, is too far away. I want to watch it now, actually, I want to not wait, and I want to view this movie immediately. I don’t like this invisible queue that I am being forced to wait in, I don’t like to played like a pawn, I want to be in charge of my own destiny, and my own destiny involves not waiting a second longer for this film to come out. Existence is a liberty of colossal proportions.