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If Star Wars Characters Wrote Autobiographies

In their own words

If Star Wars Characters Wrote Autobiographies
27 September 2011

Never mind Episode VIII, here's the big Star Wars news: Chewie et al are ready to tell their story, in their own words. Move over Roy Keane and the rest, it's time for some truly earth-shattering revelations from a galaxy far, far away.

Images: All Star

Chewbacca - My Wooky Book

Synopsis: Everyone's favourite Wookiee spills the beans on his relationship with Han.

What the press think: "A tour de force, Chewbacca truly is a wise and wonderful Wookiee. Shame they can't spell the word." - Kashyyyk Chronicle

Luke Skywalker - Luke Who's Talking

Synopsis: Skywalker lifts the lid on life in the fast lane, and those family issues

What the press think: "Cuts like a lightsabre - Skywalker doesn't hold back in this revealing account of an epic journey" - Tatooine Times

Admiral Ackbar - It's a Book!

Synopsis: Keen to escape his catchphrase and exhibit his linguistic ability, Ackbar demonstrates a hitherto unknown love of complex poetry and philosophy. Unfortunately for him his publishers insisted on the title, It's a book!, as "it will shift more units"

What the press think: "A fine exploration of his life and times, interspersed with exceptional galactic poetry, Ackbar demonstrates he is more than just a catchphrase. It's a smash!" - Calamari Chronicle

Darth Vader - Who's The Daddy?

Synopsis: Fed up with being typecast as the bad guy, Vader unveils a softer side to his character, including an unexpected love of vintage trains.

What the press think: "A worthy counterpoint to Luke Who's Talking; Vader shows that it's not all about the dark side. A must-read for all would-be parents" - Empire

Bobba Fett - Jango & Cash

Synopsis: Everyone's favourite bounty hunter lifts the lid on his mercenary life, and recounts the harrowing moment when he saw his clone father, Jango, decapitated. An event that all readers can relate to.

What the press think: "A wild western tale of a top notch rogue and contract killing, Fett is fantastic!" - Hunter's Bazaar

General Grievous - Generally Speaking

Synopsis: Unfairly portrayed as an unthinking, ruthless cyborg killing machine, Grievous opens up with existential thoughts on our role in the universe and the future of droidkind

What the press think: "An unexpectedly great thinker; Grievous deals with the big issues with aplomb. It appears he is still quite a fan of exterminating people though" - Vanity Droid

Han Solo - Solo: Is It Me You're Looking For?

Synopsis: Solo reveals the man behind the myth in a rattling tale of his stories and scrapes, while on the run from the universes top bounty hunters.

What the press think: "A true rock and roll hero: it makes Keith Richards' autobiography look like Winnie the Pooh. A rip-roaring story of adventure, romance and furry friends" - Alderaan Annals

Greedo - Give The Guy a Han

Synopsis: From his hospital bed, Greedo finally clears up the mystery of his ultimately fateful encounter with Han Solo in a must-read autobiography.

What the press think: "At last - conclusive proof that Han did shoot first! Straight from the Greedo's mouth. Hang on...that's on the advance press version....apparently it's changed in the final one....or has it? Let me ring the publisher..." - Mos Eisley Money

Andrew Tauntaun - Spilling My Guts

Synopsis: One Tauntaun unwittingly rises above all others to safeguard Luke Skywalker's life. A tale of self-sacrifice and courage, even though it was already dead.

What the press think: "A moving tale, of honour, bravery and a very smelly, but warm, sliced open stomach. There won't be a dry eye in the house" - Hoth Herald

Jabba - My Jibba

Synopsis: The crime lord extraordinaire presents his views on life, the universe, and evil deeds in a thousand-page treatise of gangster stories and boasts.

What the press think: "A sluggish read, heavily overweight; you'd have to pay me a massive bounty to finish this book" - Good Food Magazine

The Sarlacc - Me and My Big Mouth

Synopsis: Formerly known only as a strange creature whose prey suffer a prolonged and agonising death, a Sarlacc shows a lighter side to its character

What the press think: "Who'd have thought it? Whilst undoubtedly an evil killing machine, the Sarlacc reveals itself to be a master anecdote teller; regaling a series of hilariously inappropriate comments and social faux pas. An essential coffee table read" - Readers Digest

Emperor Palpatine - Palp Fiction

Synposis: A tender book dealing with the difficulties of living with split personalities

What the press think: "One minute he's nice, the next he's nasty; just who is the real Palpatine? Actually, probably the nasty one" - Naboo Enquirer

Chewbacca - Flying Solo

Synopsis: The follow-up to the Bantha Prize winning smash My Wooky Book, Flying Solo continues the Chewbacca Chronicles onto the planet Hoth and beyond

What the press think: "A worthy companion to his earlier work, once again he demonstrates loyalty, courage, and a way with a witty anecdote about furballs" - The New Wampa

Grand Moff Tarkin - Everybody's Tarkin

Synopsis: Tarkin attempts to rewrite history claiming he 'was only following orders' - will the public believe him?

What the press think: "It reads like it's got a rod up it's arse." Admiral Motti

Yoda - Life's Too Short

Synopsis: A being small in size, but supreme in stature, Yoda imparts his knowledge to a future generation of Jedi warriors

What the press think: "A triumph, a monumental literary achievement to rank alongside the great thinkers. Man Booker Prize winning stuff. Shame he's not a man." - Daily Dagobah