Ronaldo, you may think, has quite a normal face - chiselled, good-looking, but nothing too out-of-the-ordinary, really. Like, you could probably draw it if you tried really hard - it’s not incomprehensible to the human eye; it does not send people mad just by looking at it - it’s a normal face.
So why then, is not a single person on this earth able to do a sculpture of it that even looks remotely like him?
We all remember this, don’t we:
Perhaps the greatest football bust of all time - the 3D equivalent of that amazing Jesus painting restoration.
An absolute masterwork of surrealism - I love it with all my heart. But hey, some people didn’t, and so they’ve replaced it - they’ve taken one of the greatest pieces of art ever created, and they’ve moved it, ditched it, binned it.
And in the place of it, they have put this:
Stare deep into those black eyes and realise this: oh, it’s another bust that looks nothing like Ronaldo. Sure, it looks more like a human - like, its features aren’t twisted into a nightmarish swirl of dark orifices and bronze teeth - but you could at least tell that the first one was supposed to be Ronaldo. It was better before, right? Like this one just looks like ‘2.4 Man’, Steven Smith from Wigan, Barry Johnson from Reading - this is a sculpture of a normal man, not one of the best footballers in the world.
So understandably, the original sculptor, Emanuel Santos, was none to pleased about the snub. He told Bleacher Report:
“A friend of mine … asked me if I had heard the news. He said, ‘All everyone is talking about is the new bust!’”
“I said, ‘Maybe it’s an internet joke,’ but he said, ‘No, it’s real. You have to check it out!’”
So Santos actually drove to Madeira airport, where the statue is based:
“I stopped the car slowly and got out of the car. I closed the door. I walked to the bust.”
“I was feeling very sad. Disappointed. I have no words. I’m very surprised.”
Poor guy, but let’s all recognise that he’s in good company - what is it about Ronaldo’s face that makes it so impossible to replicate? Here’s another spectacularly failed punt:
Not only have they swollen his head to worrying proportions, they’ve also royally stuffed his arms up - short, nubby little tubes with two big plates of ham hanging off the end. Probably ran out of metal after they’d finished the crotch.
Oh, and what about this:
Read more: The worst celebrity statues ever
Nope, not Ronaldo. A Hollyoaks villain, maybe, but not Ronaldo, famous footballer. Like, if that waxy hellcat was real, and it walked past you on the street, you would not mistake it for Ronaldo - you would not even stretch as far as to utter, “That man looked a bit like Ronaldo, didn’t he? Also, he was melting.”
This matte creep is - much like the real Ronaldo - a World Cup nightmare, only instead of simply being a threat to our chances of success, it is a threat to the ownership of our precious souls.
There must be one, just one replica Ronaldo that looks like him?
OH FUCKING HELL.