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Politician proposes bill to make masturbation illegal

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Gary Ogden
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You’re going to jail. YOU’RE GOING TO JAIL FOR BEING A BIG WANKER. Or at least, you could be, if you live in Texas and a new law is passed.

A politician named Jessica Farrar has proposed a bill to make male masturbation illegal, citing that it should be considered an “act against an unborn child”. Essentially, doing a grotty wank into some tissue, a crisp packet or a condom, your highness, would bring about a fine of $100. I presume repeat wristers would end up in jail.

The reason for the proposition is to highlight how women are being treated by healthcare legislation in Texas, particularly when it comes down to a number of sexual-health related procedures. For example, if a woman wants an abortion, they have to undergo an invasive ultrasound scan (requiring at least two trips to the clinic), which she told mysanantonio.com “has nothing to do with her healthcare”.

Her bill, named the Man's Right To Know Act, would mean – aside from the whole Peperami-skimming thing – that men would have to receive a prescription for viagra, as well as endure an enforced waiting period for a vasectomy, before culminating in a “medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam”. It may sound amusing, but it mirrors some of the real and highly unreasonable requirements directed at women in Texas, due to the state’s Christian values and culture.

However, Masturbating Martins, it would still allow you to release your seed in a controlled environment (a far cry from your unregulated, chaotic bedroom sessions) – so you could flump one out in a health centre, with the express purpose of future conception. So they’d store your tadpole-shake in a test tube, rather than in a Big Mac box under your bed.

But before you resign yourself to a life of productivity and wet dreams, just know that this is satire – they’re not actually going to pass it, are they? The people in charge probably flute a snow-stream on the regs, so they’re not going to forfeit a privilege like that. They’re going to continue their sexist ways to the detriment of others, unfortunately.

Although one thing this bill doesn’t take into account, is that wanking clearly increases productivity – it would be a reckless move to ban it. Just look:

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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