Everybody loves summer. It's quiet, clean, warm, dry, relaxing and peaceful. In the summertime people can go outdoors and find some space and forget about all the months they've spent in buses and tubes, crammed up against other damp plebs, as they invade each other's personal space in an attempt to avoid the disgusting drizzle outside. In the summer you can wander about in your own world, sit in a field and chill out for a bit before everything turns shit again in Autumn.
It's important to have an affair with the sun now before the rain finds out and starts beating you up and calling you a cunt again. Why then do people choose to go to Glastonbury Festival? A long weekend in a wet field surrounded by pissed students talking bollocks, old people who stink and the grand spectrum of bastards in between. I enjoy repulsive conditions as much as the next guy (probably quite a lot more in fact) but even I don't really like the sound of being in a Portaloo while some passing jester decides it might be funny to tip it over and set it on fire. I don't like the sound of sitting opposite my mate Sexy Chris after he's gobbled down loads of ketamine and watch as he tries to eat his own legs (again). I don't like the idea of getting trench foot and standing in a field full of so many people that it feels like I'm a member of a First World War recreation society that's got way out of hand, and I certainly don't like the idea of watching Mumford and Sons.
Luckily, these days, there are hundreds of smaller scale festivals all over the country for people who like spending 100 times less money, watching bands that are 100 times crapper and generally having 100 times less fun. Think what an average time you could have at the Bromyard Folk Festival this year. And just imagine how OK the Didmarton Bluegrass Festival might be if you gave it chance. And that's just the start of it because the music festival phenomenon is taking the animal kingdom by storm and I've got exclusive details regarding some events that are so underground that some of them are actually underground. Avoid the crowds this summer, check out some of these festivals and tell your friends you were there. They'll be really jealous / worried about you.
LOCATION - In a skip on the industrial estate in Tottenham Hale. (Someone's written the word 'Minge' on the side of the skip in red paint if that helps.)
GENRE - There are 3 stages and they're all mainly punk and extreme metal.
WHO'S PLAYING? Plague, Ratt, The Bubonics, Gnawvax, BigMouse 4, Roland etc
ABOUT - Not really a family festival but good if you like loud music and hundreds of rats. Last year a gypsy turned up and killed everyone with a mallet. Great toilet facilities.
FEST IN THE TIP
LOCATION - The tip near the Winnersh flyover
GENRE - Mainly pop music. They also have a stage where seagulls can listen to bhangra.
WHO'S PLAYING? - Some frogs? I think some frogs are playing. I saw some frogs play last year and they were great. Also Mika is playing.
IS IT SPONSORED BY MARMITE? No, it's not. No.
ABOUT - Nice little festival in the middle of a working tip. It's cleaner than Glastonbury and the food's better than Reading and Leeds. I went last year with my mate Sam Hamper and we saw a bulldozer, a knackered old fridge and a really poorly crow. It was great. 10/10
APPLE CORE FESTIVAL
LOCATION - In the bins at St Thomas' Primary School in Deptford
GENRE - Ambient/Trance/Tropical
WHO'S PLAYING? - Mainly wasps.
WHO IS THE BEST WASP? Probably Owen Bunting. Having said that that though, Keiron Cooper's on good form at the moment.
ABOUT - Festival in a bin featuring hundreds of wasps 'performing' on and old apple core. Hypnotic droning sounds. $800 per ticket.
LOCATION - Down the Drains
GENRE - Spoken word / comedy
WHO'S PLAYING? - An eel, some mice, a snake that's trapped in a pipe, Rhod Gilbert and a dragonfly called Alex Biscuit.
PROSTITUTES? Yes. Calm down. There'll be plenty of prostitutes for everyone.
ABOUT - Nice little spoken word and comedy festival that happens every year down the sewers. Apparently this year Alex Biscuit is going to be reading some poems he's written about ponds. Can't wait.
LOCATION - All over London
GENRE - Screaming, sex noises and tedious barking
WHO'S PLAYING? - Me, Double Denim David, Vile Clive, Rufus Beard. All the usual rusty rotters basically.
WILL FERN COTTON BE THERE? Unfortunately she has been before so, maybe.
ABOUT - We all meet in some poor fucker's garden at about 2am and all have sex and start fighting. We don't stop until the morning. Sometimes the person in the house starts shouting at us and crying and calling us all a bunch of ginger c***s. We try and do it every single night throughout summer. It's brilliant.
(Image: Rex Features)