News

A man has been arrested for *literally* laundering money

Posted by
Gary Ogden
Published

Don’t, erm, hide your money in the washing machine

There’s this crime, right, and it’s called ‘money laundering’, and basically what it is, yeah, is it’s earning a load of cash doing dodgy things and then hiding it all in a ‘legit’ business, like a sandwich shop, or something, but probably a sandwich shop. A sandwich shop that is never open. 

What it’s not, is putting a load of cash into an actual washing machine.

Of course, you could most definitely call “putting a load of cash into an actual washing machine” money laundering, because that’s what it literally is (if you put it on a cycle, anyway), but really, it’s not what most people think of when they hear the term ‘money laundering’.

The reason for this quick intro to money laundering (Money Laundering 101, we can call it, if you fancy), is because a 24-year-old man in the Netherlands has just been arrested for money laundering. “Ah, so he’s a drug dealer but he also runs a sandwich shop that I have never seen open even though I have lived opposite for ten years?” you say, to me, through the internet.

No, actually - he was arrested because police found a load of dodgy cash in his washing machine. He was arrested for the other money laundering - the one I mentioned above, the one where you are literally laundering your money, because it is in a washing machine.

Essentially, he was found out because police were searching a building for squatters, and there he was, with some guns and €350,000 shoved into his washing machine, which hopefully wasn’t plugged in because I’ve accidentally leant on the button and turned mine on when leaning over to get some orange squash before. In my case it simply wetted a load of dry clothes again - a minor inconvenience compared to squidging €350,000 into one big useless mulch of absolutely no value whatsoever.

Either way, he didn’t get a chance to press the button with his hip OR open his sandwich shop because the police took all the money from him and banged him up.

Police have not released his name as per Dutch privacy rules, but presumably it is Sam, or Steven, because everyone knows that you’re not allowed to start any business connected to sandwiches in any way unless your name begins with ‘S’. It’s marketing 101, bozo.*

*Also available as a joint course with Money Laundering 101

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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