Here we go, look. Here is a video of a man, showing off, in front of loads of people, in a big swish Ibiza club, brandishing a huge magnum of expensive champagne, a whole £30,000 of it, then dropping the entire thing on the floor and absolutely drenching himself in foam. It is, how you say, a pretty damn good video by all accounts. Here, look:
That video, up there, is really great. This bloke is holding in his hands, an extremely pricey bottle of drink, the kind of bottle of drink that you don’t want to drop. In fact, the last thing you want to do with a bottle of that price, is drop it. Open it: yes. Pour it: yes. Walk around a club with it showing off: guess so. Drop it: don’t actually drop it, it’s worth £30,000.
Imagine holding anything worth £30,000 in your hands - what you’re going to be doing at this exact moment, with the valuable item in your grasp, is be very careful with it. What you are not going to do, in any circumstances, is drop it. You’ve got £30,000, in notes, in your hand, you’re fanning it out, saying “Look at me, everyone” and then you are walking to the edge of a cliff, and you are throwing the money into the sea.
Like, if you don’t know how to open a bottle of champagne - fair enough, some people don’t - then I’d suggest not choosing to do it for the first time a) in front of loads of people, b) wearing a nice suit and c) doing it with a £30,000 magnum of champagne.
The bottle is twice the size - it is a tougher challenge than your standard 750ml number, so do it in private first, I rate. Practise opening the giant bottle of champagne, so that when you finally swan out into a busy club with it, you can open it without letting it tip forwards and explode on the floor, soaking your crotch with fizzing liquid and spraying everyone in the immediate vicinity.
All these fun-loving people - the kind of people that film men opening magnums of champagne (and thank you for doing this, so many thank yous) - have spent ages to get ready, putting on their Saturday best, getting all dolled up for a night on the town, and now they are otters. They are dunked otters, all slimy and sticky and slicked-back - a crowd of damp newts, bemoaning you and your ill-advised mating dance. You’ve absolutely ottered it, there, completely and utterly ottered everyone.
Still, a video of a good-looking, popular man smoothly opening a magnum of £30,000 champagne and expertly pouring 20 glasses of it is a far less exciting time at the movies than one showing the opposite. One like the one a few paragraphs back, that one, that’s what we’re all here for. Failure. We do not delight in the success of others, we revel and jeer in the face of a man destroying his hard-earned street cred in one fell tip. This is, I think, the meaning of life, and I am glad to be around to understand and experience it.
CAN’T BELIEVE HE DROPPED IT!