1. The stimulation or manipulation of one's own genitals, especially to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.
2. The stimulation, by manual or other means exclusive of coitus, of another's genitals, especially to orgasm.
3. An amazing hangover cure.
4. An amazing headache cure.
5. A fantastic method of improving your viewing experience of Game Of Thrones.
6. A great way to stop people sitting next to you on a train.
But I didn’t need to tell you that – you know exactly what it means, and you know exactly how to do it, which is the main reason I refuse to shake hands with you whenever we meet.
Saying that, it turns out that people aren’t too keen on talking about it – which is news to me, because I belt out a triumphant speech through my open window to the street below every time I bang out a sesh.
TENGA, a global sexual wellness company, found that 88% of all Americans love a swift spot of polishing the oak or buffing the pea, but more than half of those included in the survey were uncomfortable talking about it. As such, it’s starting the #DoItInMay campaign to raise awareness.
Dr. Chris Donaghue, PhD, LCSW, CST (alright mate, big wow), and TENGA brand ambassador, says:
“Masturbation is a natural part of life that not only gives individuals a better understanding of their bodies, but also empowers them to take control of their own pleasure. #DoItInMay is an opportunity to bring this to the forefront and celebrate masturbation for what it is: a positive and healthy sexual practice, whether it's enjoyed by oneself or with a partner.”
Yes Chris! Start a campaign to justify your massive wanking habit – I’m on board, you dirty dog. If you want to get involved, then you can pledge online at DoItInMay.com, and TENGA will donate $1 to the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS), which I think is another organisation set up by someone to legitamise their giant self-abuse addiction. Again, I’m fully behind this.
Also, if you tweet about your next marathon sesh of sausage de-skinning or rub-a-dub-dub, three fingers on a nub, and use the hashtag #DoItInMay, then it’ll donate $2. There’s never been a better excuse to leave a Monday morning meeting halfway through to go and punch yourself in the genitals in the third floor bogs. It’s for charity – which is something you can scream as you pelt the coat-hook with liquid motivation.
So treat your ankles to the warm hug of your stretched underwear and get whacking your groin like there’s no tomorrow. Or even better, do it to your partner – stop being so selfish, you’re beginning to get a rep as a bit of a wanker.