What to watch, what to watch, WHAT TO WATCH? That’s the question that batters about inside your big head every weekend, isn’t it? Keeps on going, keeps repeating, on and on and on.
Well, here’s a plug! A big dam to stop it from reproducing - a sheath to halt that dreaded question dead in its tracks, by answering it. Here, look, it’s below:
New at ‘The Pictures’
1.'Star Wars: The Last Jedi'
I don’t really have to tell you about this movie, do I? Not even sure why I’ve included it, to be perfectly honest. If you’re the kind of person that likes Star Wars, then you are aware of its release this week. You won’t stumble upon this section and shout, eyebrows-raised: “OH GOD THERE’S A NEW STAR WARS MOVIE OUT! I LOVE STAR WARS IT’S MY FAVOURITE FRANCHISE!”
You will say - possibly shout - instead: “I don’t need this internet knobhead to tell me about this movie, do I? Not even sure why he included it, to be perfectly honest.”
In cinemas now
Love a good prison film, me; Death Warrant, Cell 211, Escape Plan and obviously Prison - all bangers, and this one looks set to join them. It stars Game of Thrones’ Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as a mild-mannered family man who goes down for a DUI, and slowly becomes a hardened criminal once inside. It looks bloody brilliant, and comes from writer-director Ric Roman Waugh, who from his back catalogue (Felon, Snitch) looks to be obsessed with prison - fair enough, it does look quite fun.
In cinemas 15 December, on VOD 18 December
New on streaming services
Oh my absolute GOD, I cannot wait to see this. Ever since I saw the first trailer, I’ve been saying, “Jackie Chan’s new film is called The Foreigner and you better believe I am excited about it, bozos” at least 40 times a day. It’s getting annoying to my friends, family and colleagues, but I don’t care, I have to see this.
Jackie Chan, revenge, fighting and Pierce Brosnan with a silly accent - I haven’t been this excited in ages. And how good is that trailer?
Anyway, only one last thing left for me to say: Jackie Chan’s new film is called The Foreigner and you better believe I am excited about it, bozos.
On Netflix 15 December
2.'Jean-Claude Van Johnson'
I’ve banged on at moderate length about Jean-Claude Van Johnson before, so I guess I’d simply be repeating myself if I moderately banged on about it any more, and that would waste both your, and my, time. As such, I’ll boil it down to this succinct synopsis:
Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Jean-Claude Van Damme but also Jean-Claude Van Johnson who are the same person they just have different names but don’t worry they both do kicks.
On Amazon Prime 15 December
On the good old-fashioned idiot box
Denzel. Den-zel. The Denz. Denzo. Denzodiazepine. Whatever you want to call him (I’ve heard he prefers ‘Denzel’), we can all agree on one thing: he is great. Stick Mr Washington in a film and I’ll watch it, basically, because even if the film ain’t up to scratch, at least Mercedes Denz will put in a top performance. Having him in your movie makes it worth watching, fact.
Thankfully then, that some of his films are good on top of starring Denzel Washington. Like The Equalizer - an update of the ‘80s TV show - a revenge-fuelled action flick with our man absolute wiping the floor with an endless onslaught of rubbish bad guys. It’s brilliant, I love it, and I love Denzel Washington.
I also love revenge, so watch your feet, bucko.
On 5 Star at 10.05pm
Jack O’Connell is good, isn’t he? Good in everything, I’d say, and also very good when being very scary. He is, as it happens, very scary in Eden Lake, where he plays a psychotic youth who, along with his dickhead mates, terrorise a young couple on a trip to the woods.
It’s nothing new (I mean, it came out in 2008, but it wasn’t even anything new then) and there may be a slightly dodgy take on class politics hidden within, but it’s fun, slick and efficient; and with horror, that’s not all that common.
It also stars the actual, literal Fassbender before he became a massive star, so there’s that too.
On The Horror Channel at 12.45am
If you were keen on old Shot Caller up there, then you’ll want to be checking out the film from which it probably sucked a slab of inspiration. This 2009 French drama follows a petty criminal who once in prison, rises up the ranks of the inmates and eventually becomes a full-blown crime don.
In case you needed any more persuading, it’s got a hefty 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, and if a pile of dead fruit says it’s good, then who are you to argue?
On VICELAND at 10pm
Have good one.
Have a great one.
Have good one.
(Image: Rex/Relativity Media)