TV

The four ‘Game of Thrones’ spin-offs we’d actually like to see

Posted by
Edward Tew
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Game of Thrones may be coming to an end in 2018 but thankfully HBO have confirmed that George R. R. Martin and a crack team of writers are working on four possible spin-offs. With such a big world, so many characters and so much material to work with it seems reasonable to assume that they might need some help focusing in on what the best ideas could be. Here are some to help them along.

Joffffffffffffrey!!

Joffrey was the best character in Game of Thrones and any thought of spin-offs need to start with him. If George R. R. Martin can get away with bringing mopey top knot twat Jon Snow back from the dead there should be no problem with Joffrey. He could do it using Thoros of Myr. Here’s how: Thoros may look like a homeless Neil Kinnock with no other want but to serve the Lord of Light, but under that religious fanaticism and fantastical hairline lies the warmest of hearts. Thoros wants to be a father. He has the Brotherhood without Banners but they can never fill his paternal need. Thoros just has too much love to give. So Thoros uses his affinity with the Lord of Light to raise Joffrey from the dead to give himself an eternally young child to look after. It quickly becomes apparent however that undead Joffrey won’t be the loving, rancid smelling, son Thoros had so desperately wanted. Spending time as a cadaver has done nothing to mellow Joffrey’s disposition. The series would be about all the wacky situations Joffrey’s challenging personality gets them into.

Thoros discovers someone’s nicked his silver cufflinks.“Joffffffffffffrey!!” shouts Thoros, like Fred Flintstone.

Thoros spots the pet goldfish floating at the top of the fish tank. “Joffffffffffffrey!!”

Thoros comes down for breakfast to find three dead prostitutes on the kitchen floor. “Joffffffffffffrey!!”

Stone Me!

Sir Jorah Mormont – sullen stalker of Daenerys – finally succumbs to greyscale and becomes a stone man. He's desperate, alone and covered in lichen. Racked by guilt, Tyrion feels it's his duty to take care of his old friend so goes to join him. They can’t stay in one place very long because locals often end up trying to quarry Sir Jorah so this odd couple travel the country getting into all sorts of scrapes. In one episode the pair could really bond in a moment of adversity after freeze thaw weathering causes Jorah's penis to drop off. Despite being understandably a little depressed about being a geological formation Jorah eventually realises, through his friendship with Tyrion, that contracting horrifying super-eczema, is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Kingslayer’s

Jaime Lannister moves to Dorne and opens a louche beach tavern called Kingslayer’s. He takes to swanning around in an elaborate kimono, particularly during business hours. His only employee is Theon Greyjoy who comes to Dorne after being cast out of the Iron Islands for not having a winkle. Jaime likes to tease Theon by lobbing cocktail sausages at him while he’s trying to serve customers. Theon laughs along at the time but never lets on that he wakes up screaming every morning. The tavern is really just a way Jaime can meet a girl and forget about Cersei. Unfortunately, none of the customers are blood relations.

Tyrell Like It Is

Essentially Diana Rigg goes around insulting people. Lady Tyrell and her glorious acerbic tongue is wasted in fiction so the idea would be to dress Dame Diana Rigg up in full Tyrell costume and get her to travel around the country insulting random people on the street. Dame Diana Rigg sees a man in Chelsea wearing suede loafers without socks on and tells him his mother doesn’t love him. Someone fails to hold the door to M&S open so Dame Diana Rigg calls them a “fucking wankshaft”. You get the idea.