TV

Noel Fielding – yeah, NOEL FIELDING – has been confirmed as the new host of ‘Bake Off’

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Alex Finnis
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When it was announced that Channel 4 would be taking over The Great British Bake Off, we all knew that they’d manage to fuck it up. We came to terms with that fact it’d never be the same again, and that it would return a totally different, probably slightly weirder show.

But there’s different, and then there’s making-Noel-Fielding-yep-Noel-Fucking-Fielding-the-host different.

NOEL FIELDING. ON BAKE OFF. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I have absolutely no idea how this is actually going to work. All I can picture is him wandering around the tent licking the contestants, hiding in cupboards to jump out and scare Paul Hollywood, and flopping his dick out into mixing bowls when people aren’t looking. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.

Bake Off confirmed he’ll be one of the show’s hosts in a tweet, and he’ll be joined by Danish QI host Sandi Toksvig, who I can understand – it’s a totally fine choice. She’s kind of normal. She’s funny. She won’t try and have sex with a Battenburg.

As we already know, Mary Berry is being replaced with Prue Leith, who’s appeared on shows like Great British Menu.

But you don’t really care about that, do you? Because you’re still thinking about Noel Fielding. You’re imagining him ripping down part of the tent and wearing it as a cape. You’re imagining him rolling around on the floor, naked now, for some reason, just covered – properly covered – in cake mixture. You’re imagining the face of Michelle, 54, from Lincoln – an adorable mum who likes to spend her weekends making pastries with her two young children – when she finds out her Victoria sponge is ruined because Noel’s done a shit in her oven.

Channel 4 could not have made a more Channel 4 move if they tried. This might be the most Channel 4 thing that’s ever happened – and yeah, we do remember Naked Attraction. The Bake Off is completely fucked, but also, there is literally no way I’m not going to watch it.