It's Apple time.
As the Californian tech giant begins its finely choreographed PR assault on the world's media, with expected reveals of a new iPhone, iPad and TV, ShortList.com's tech editor David Cornish will provide you with a live digestible record of what's been announced.
These are the pips to Apple's core, if you like.
It's all over. We'll be back with more details tomorrow!
- Apple Watch has a new iOS with some fun new tricks
- Reveal of the iPad Pro, with a 12.9-inch screen. It'll arrive in November, prices start from around £520 ($799)
- The new Apple Pencil (a stylus) will let you draw on the iPad Pro
- New Apple TV, centring on Apps, with a touch remote and Siri button. It'll arrive in October
- The new iPhone 6S and 6S Plus, with 3D Touch screens. Which is like a 'Right Click' button. It arrives 25 September
- iPhone 6S also has a better camera, with 'Live Photos' and 4K video recording
- The iOS 9 will roll out on 16 September
And that's it. One Direction is play... oh, no, One Republic is playing us out.
Who knows, their new album might come with the iPad Pro? No? Yeah, best not try that trick again.
You can pre-order both the iPhone 6S and 6S Plus from 12 September, set to arrive on 25 September.
There's no exact UK pricing yet - nor any information on whether the new iPhone upgrade plan (which gets you a new iPhone every year) will arrive in the UK, nor how much it will cost.
The iOS 9 will roll out on 16 September.
To summarise the iPhone 6S - you're going to be able to take some incredible pictures of your cappuccinos.
The Live Photos trick is a good one - take a picture and iOS 9 will capture 1.5 seconds of 'video' either side of the photo to create a small animation. It's very Harry Potter.
But if you dare start sending us holiday selfies, we'll block you. Okay? Good.
Now it's all a lot of technical chat - all the stuff behind the 'S' of the new phone.
- New touch ID
- More Siri connectivity
- A better iSight camera - 12MP camera (putting it behind... well, a lot of other camera sensors, like the new Sony Xperia). There are a lot of lovely photos being shown off - all of which you can ruin with Instagram filters.
- Better flash from both the front (the whole screen lights up) and back cameras
- Live Photos - which are sort of like moving images from Harry Potter. Hold down on a picture and it'll start moving
It's 70 per cent faster at CPU tasks and 90 per cent faster at graphics processes.
Which means games. Like a new Warhammer title, Freeblade.
So from your home screen you'll be able to access a list of smaller menus - specific to each app developer's own design.
Instagram - you'll be able to head straight to your photo screen, or look directly at the people you follow.
No matter what you do, there's now a shortcut via this new 3D Touch function.
The new '3D Touch' tech has been rumoured for a while now.
The screen will now recognise the 'force' of your gestures: 'Peek' and 'Pop'. There's a range of new shortcuts as well, for both the home page and within the app. A light touch will give you a 'peek' at the content. Keep pressing and it 'pops' you in. It's basically a 'right click' for the iPhone.
All very slick.
All the more disappointing when you drop your phone, smash the screen and stop it from working.
Even Tim Cook says the new phone models look familiar, but there's some new tech squeezed into them:
- Retina screens
- 3D Touch screen technology - similar to that contained in the Apple Watch
- New colours! Silver, Gold, Space Grey, Rose Gold! Which hasn't got anything to do with tech - but it's a stronger alloy than the old models had
Now on to the iPhone 6S... wait for it... wait for it...
The Apple TV arrives in the UK in October. We don't know how much it'll cost.
£200? Why not. Sounds about right.
The Apple TV is going to give you masses of stats. Sooo many stats. And notifications between matches.
You'll be able to split screen your sports.
Except... you won't if you want to do this with football (soccer), because of laws preventing the simultaneous broadcast of more than one Premier League or league football game at a time.
But the USA is going to go nuts for this.
There's also shopping, with Gilt.
They're talking about 'outfitting' us from the home. Because some of us don't like going to 'the mall'.
They love the John Varvatos sports coat... look at the lovely images...
We're glazing over here.
The new game BeatSports is a music-based rhythm game.
It's very familiar to anyone who's played around with a Nintendo Wii.
In fact, all of these games fit the casual gamer model that Nintendo mastered.
They're going to sell millions.
We've just watched a chicken die on Crossy Road.
This is mad.
Oh, and there's multiplayer.
Nintendo doesn't stand a chance.
They're dragging this out.
Essentially, lots of different people will be making apps for the Apple TV.
There'll be games, there'll be TV shows, there'll be... well, lots of apps. Even AirBnB. Because you want to book a holiday via your TV, right?
Some of the Apple TV features
- Moving wallpapers (!) that replicate your time of day
- Photo and Apple Music access
- Voice recognition through Siri, letting you ask about actors, directors - even what the weather is
- Lots of swipe controls thanks to the new touch glass remote
The new Apple TV will be controlled largely by voice recognition, understanding your search requests via Siri.
You'll be able to do a lot of personalising, app buying and... well, watching Netflix probably.
There's a new remote as well, with a touchy feely pad and buttons.
Because we still need buttons. This will also double as a remote to play video games from the App Store.
Up next is the much-rumoured new Apple TV.
"The future of TV is apps". Apparently.
There's now a demo from 3D4Medical, which is like a medical dictionary.
It's a very specific app to show off the new functions of the iPad Pro - medical scenarios for use in hospitals and other care sectors. The average bod won't be using anything this fancy, but it's demonstrating how much power the new piece of hardware has.
Most of us will probably just stick to using it to update Facebook and binge on Netflix though, won't we.
Oh lord - it's all PowerPoint and Excel docs now.
Half the internet just went to make a cup of tea.
Adobe are now on stage to demo their new iPad Pro software. All of this is looking to push the new Pro toward designers, office workers and business types. Which makes sense - you're not going to need 12.9 inches of screen to play Angry Birds 2.
Well that's unexpected.
Microsoft are here. They're doing a demo of multi-tasking on Office apps on the iPad Pro with 'Ink' - a tool for marking up documents.
This is like seeing Arsene Wenger give a presentation at Tottenham on the merits of passing triangles...
The real winner of the evening could be Microsoft - Apple has just proven it can't make software as well as they do, and their new iPad Pro keyboard is a big fat thumbs up to the Microsoft Surface.
The new Apple Pencil will have a range of uses
- Marking emails
- Making notes in Notes
- Right, you know like an actual pencil and paper? It does that, but on an iPad Pro.
There's a new 'Smart Keyboad' for the iPad Pro, "unlike anything you've ever seen before".
Except it looks exactly like a lot of existing iPad keyboards that groups like Logitech has made for years.
But it'll be super-simple to connect, and have a lovely dome touch action.
There's also a stylus - Apple Pencil. People actually laugh at this. Steve Jobs HATED the idea of a stylus... he said they'd never do one.
It's 80 per cent faster than the majority of portable PCs released in the last year.
Which means it's not the fastest portable PC you can buy.
Hello Microsoft Surface Pro 3...
There's also a 10-hour battery life, thanks to that massive screen and four balancing speakers.
It's 6.9 mm thin. Steve Jobs would have made it 6.1 mm...
There's a 12.9-inch screen, with a whole heap of pixels, that allows for a "full size" keyboard. People are actually clapping a discussion of the screen size. That's the world we live in now.
Split-screen functions make it more "productive". 5.6 million pixels make for neat HD video playback. There's an A9X 64-bit chip which means... well, well it's basically slippy quick. One point eight times faster than the old iPad Air 2.
Now it's iPad time. They really love iPad - and they want you to really love it as well... because people aren't buying as many as they used to. But that's another matter.
To tempt business and offices into getting a new multi-tasking iPad, there's the new iPad Pro.
Which looks like something out of Star Trek.
Tim Cook is holding it as though it's the Holy Grail. For their investors, it just might be.
They've also partnered with Hermes to create new, more fashionable bands and straps.
Sexy leather straps. And metal ones. And new colours - rose gold and a funny silver one. So many ways to spend money.
The health app AirStrip will be able to send live stats to medical professionals thanks to the new Apple Watch OS.
We'll bring you the first stories about hackers stealing personal health information from Apple Watches in the coming months.
There are already 10,000 apps, but the new Watch iOS is going to bring in new functionality, from groups including
- Facebook messenger
First up - Apple Watch.
Besides a rant about how the Watch has been a "life-changing device" (it's a watch), with a customer satisfaction level of 97 percent, there are some details on the new functions of the Watch's latest operating system.
- New watch faces
- Third party complications - grabbing info from non-Apple apps
- Time Travel - rotate the crown to see what events will occur the next day
- More transit functions
Tim Cook is welcomed to the stage with whoops. Apple employees attempt to whoop the crowd into a frenzy.
Apparently they've got some "monster" announcements.
THEY'RE A MINUTE LATE!
THIS IS IT, APPLE IS CRUMBLING!
Oh, wait... they're starting...
Right now, it's just a room full of excited middle class people with lanyards and a soundtrack from the Apple Beats music station.
Remember Apple Music? It's still a thing.