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The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made

Really, supporting a football club is one of the most turbulent relationships that you can have. No matter how bad their behaviour, how terribly they treat you, and how outrageous their demands, back you go week after week, just putting up with whatever is thrown at you.

And you dutifully buy the club shirt each season. And the shorts. And the training top. And the 'casual' apparel. And then the lampshade. And then the swimming inflatables. Hang on... inflatables? Are you serious?

No, even the most dedicated football fan draws the line at ridiculous merchandise somewhere. Here are 21 of the finest examples of utterly ridiculous club-branded products. It's all gone too far.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made

    Boleyn Ground Foam Hand

    This is - quite simply - f**king ludicrous.

    When the aliens come down, many centuries from now, and investigate the history of the human race, they will find these foam hands in the shape of a stadium and think: "no wonder they didn't survive - they didn't deserve to".

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 1

    Chelsea Hub Caps

    Really want to get your car smashed up and/or stolen? Well look no further, we have just the thing for you! Available for just £20 from the Chelsea Megastore these branded hubcaps will tell everyone exactly who you support. Particularly useful when attending away games so that thieves know they've got a full 90 minutes to crowbar open that door and make a getaway.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 2

    The Balotelli Boot

    For mini Marios everywhere, these evoPOWER boots have been made by Puma. Sadly only available in junior sizes, they've got Mario's classic 'why always me?' slogan on the side and a ridiculous mohawk running down the back.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 3

    Everton Travel Adaptor

    Well, when it comes to getting power in a foreign country I simply will not use any other adapter than my Everton one. Although it's not actually blue and looks suspiciously like a completely normal one, just put in a branded box. £15? Of course I'll take it.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 4

    Asprilla Condoms

    By the looks of his Twitter account, Tino is a man who enjoys the company of beautiful ladies; so it seem appropriate that he's launched his own range of condoms. To be fair, it's for a good cause: they're aimed to promote good sexual health in his native Columbia.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 5

    Fulham Plasters

    Particularly useful when you've put your fist through the TV watching the latest lamentable performance from The Cottagers.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 6

    The Mohammad Al-Fayed USB Stick

    Fulham really know how to squeeze those extra few pounds out of their supporters don't they? You're not a real fan if you don't transport your data around with the Mohammad Al-Fayed USB Stick (2GG), sadly no longer on sale after he left the club. Maybe you can still buy them in Harrods? Oh yeah, he sold that too, didn't he.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 7

    Juventus Cat Toys

    And you thought Barcelona were the only club that like to play cat and mouse with their opponents. You'll be feline good when your furry friend gets these for Christmas: in fact, they'll be Pirrrrrr(lo)ing like crazy.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 8

    Leeds United Armbands

    Pretend you're the captain with these stylish buoyancy aids! As your team sink down the table, you'll be staying safely afloat with these bad boys.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 9

    Newcastle United Handwarming Gel

    Just 50p for two satchets because, let's face it, you won't be warming up those hands by clapping, will you?

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 10

    Manchester City Bra

    If you can give this to a lady and she doesn't punch you in the face, then she's a keeper (not Joe Hart). If she actually wears it, then we'd be slightly worried.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 11

    Stoke City Tape Measure

    You can find out exactly how tall Peter Crouch is with the official Stoke City tape measure. If the police get called don't blame us, OK?

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 12

    Club Rubber Ducks

    Make bathtime go with a splash with these fantastic rubber ducks that make each animal look like it's been the victim of a particularly appalling episode of genetic mutation.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 13

    Liverpool Anfield Shirt

    Words almost fail us on this. Almost. It's hideous. That'll do.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 14

    Aston Villa Toast Press

    Get b-ready for this: it's the Villa toaster. Good job the club from Ewood Park haven't made one or your breakfast would get Blackburnt.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 15

    Arsenal Ice Cube Tray

    Presumably you'll also need to buy Arsenal-branded gloves in order to take this bad boy out of the freezer. Buy your piece of moulded silicon for just £5 (!) from the Arsenal store. Quality and value.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 16

    The QPR Dartboard

    Feel free to pin up photos of any of the current squad members and take out your frustrations on them.

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  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 17

    West Ham Bin Sticker

    For when that normal green colour won't do (well, they'll think you support Hibernian or something), then you absolutely need this bin sticker in your life. Just £12.99 for the privilege of having your bin kicked in by anyone annoyed about the Olympic Stadium deal. And yes, we've avoided making a rubbish joke here. Oh no, now we haven't.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 18

    Luis Suarez Bottle Opener

    Actually, credit where it's due, this is kind of brilliant. Suarez: never one to bottle a situation.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 19

    Manchester United Dummys

    Now you can say that United fans officially suck.

  • The 21 Most Ridiculous Pieces of Football Merch Ever Made 20

    Coventry City Ice Scrapers

    The question most often asked of any expensive foreign import is invariably, "can they do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke?". Well, the Coventry City ice scraper definitely could. When unbranded ice removal simply won't do, reach for this n-ice little number.