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H&M are developing clothes made out of poo

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Gary Ogden
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Everyone has at least one piece of H&M clothing, fact. Actually, everyone lives next door to an H&M. Everyone’s middle name is H&M. You’re H&M.

As a clothes company, it’s pretty unavoidable, which is fine – it’s nice stuff, H&M. But the clothes aren’t the only nice thing that H&M does, it’s also nice to the environment – it has a huge commitment to becoming 100% “circular and renewable”.

What that means, is that it only wants to use recyclable and renewable resources in production, and it even aims to fully close the loop by 2030. Closing said loop equals actually contributing to the environment positively – so actively lowering the planet’s emissions, however that’s possible.

To do this, H&M has set up a special initiative: a non-profit organisation that encourages and rewards scientists for their clever ideas about how to help the fashion industry BE GOOD, basically. It’s called The Global Change Award, and they’ve announced the five winners of the second ever awards this year. 

But really, I’m only interested in one of them. Because one of them involves SHIT, and I am a 12-year-old.

Yes, a scientist called Jalila Essaidi has invented a way to make clothes out of bovine turds. She takes the cow pats and removes the muchos cellulose to create a tough, but soft, fabric. Thankfully, it also doesn’t smell like it’s come from the naughty chute of a large farm beast, because if it did, it would spell disaster for her idea, I reckon.

That’s not it though, oh no! The process to extract the cellulose is actually powered by the rest of the shite. So the other “components” of the ploop – the stuff that normally goes to waste – are fully utilised, without pollution. 

This is great, not just because it saves the environment, but in all honesty, mainly because you can use the word “literally” entirely correctly when you say “Oi mate, your t-shirt is literally shit.”

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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