I’ve never injured myself during sex, but that’s because wwwoooooaaarrghhh YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE TO GET INJURED DURING IT!
But seriously, I haven’t, which is lucky, because that specific brand of injury is probably, you know, quite painful? Sex involves the parts of your body that you really don’t want to hurt - the delicate bits, in essence. However, it turns out that shag-injuries are on the rise (pun fully intended, what of it) - according to Stephen Makinde, the clinical director of the Perfect Balance clinic in London. He reckons that in the last five years, the number of privates-ouchies has quadrupled.
He says: “We’ve noticed a real increase in sex-related injuries. It used to be that injuries associated with sexual activity used to account for a small percentage of the non-sporting cases we treated - around 20%.
“But in the last five years that’s now increased to around 80%. It’s a significant jump, and quite surprising.”
And it’s mostly men in their 50s, the naughty old muckers. Bad backs and that, isn’t it. Or, more specifically:
“When it comes to sex, we see everything from neck injuries to wrist fractures, ankle sprains and, of course, back problems. Hernias are common, too, close to where the adductor muscles of the pelvic region become strained.
“With the back, we see everything from facet joint locks - where the back spasms and locks in a particular position - to full-blown disc prolapses and sciatic pain.”
So why the rise (there it is again, don’t @ me) in injuries? Is it because we’re all getting more adventurous in our old age? Is the age of internet porn warping our frigid ways? Well, no, unfortunately:
“And the reasons for the rise in sexual injuries is intriguing. To me it’s also a positive, because it shows the patient-clinician relationship is working at a point where there’s real trust.
“It’s obviously a taboo area and people might find it hard being open about their private lives.
“But for us there’s no real difference between an ankle you’ve rolled over playing squash or an ankle you’ve rolled over in the bedroom.”
Basically, people were coming in and saying stuff like: “Noooo, I was putting a lightbulb in and the ladder went and there was a cucumber balancing on its end right underneath and I…” but now, they’re not.
So we’ve always been Randy Raymonds, it’s just we’re finally telling the truth about it now. And you should tell the doctors the full story too - Makinde says:
“The work of physiotherapists, chiropractors, osteopaths, acupuncturists and massage therapists fail because they don’t have the full story.”
So sort it out, men - I mean, come on, if I’d injured myself having sex, I wouldn’t just be telling the doctor - I’d be getting T-shirts printed.
Finally, and to round things off - what type of sex ends up in the most injuries? Well, it’s shower-shagging, isn’t it? The clinic gets the most patients being admitted after this particular genre of sex, and it’s quite easy to see why - I’ve managed to fall over in the shower on my own, for example.
Told the doctor I broke it doing an unbelievable amount of rutting though - he’s not getting one over on me.
(Image: Columbia Pictures)